enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Oh I should not be let outside

Oh good grief I really deserve to be single!!!

I really do.

Yes, I screwed it up again.

I got all nervous and acted a bit like an ass.

The thing was that today, of all days, a triathlete from the Maritimes who is new to Ottawa joined our group. She was very outspoken and friendly and quite attractive, and super guy although he talked to me too started conversing with her.

THe thing was that she was MUCH better than I am at positioning herself and flirting.

In fact, she was a damned champion at it.

And as soon as someone starts to "compete" with me I just back down and bow out.

So they ended up at the brunch together talking and finding things out about each other. And when he did eventually turn to me to talk to me I came across as a bit egotistical. I got all nervous I guess and when he started telling me that he was trying to qualify for the B-ston Marathon I mentioned that I had run the B0ston Marathon before. And then I said...

I ran it when I was just starting out, before I became good. Once I was good, I never made it back to Boston (musing).

I really didn't mean it the way that it came out!

BUt I simultaneously told him that I'd qualified for and run Boston when I considered myself to be a crap runner, and that I'd then gone on to be a full-of-myself "good" runner.

DOH!

I really didn't mean it that way. It's just the way that I think of the timeline of my life.

In the next part though, I was starting to get egotistical, believe it or not, in that the girl started looking at me and the guy asked me if I'd run under 3 hours for a marathon. I said I had. And when he asked...I had to admit that I had run substantially under 3 hours for a marathon. And the girl's jaw dropped and she said something to the effect of "I've never met a woman before who has run 2:XX for a marathon."

And I said..."Well, there aren't many of us in Canada. There are none in Ottawa at the moment, so it is not surprising."

I really didn't mean it to be as egotistical as it sounds. I was just feeling agitated and kind of annoyed with myself that I'm utterly incapable of flirting and that this guy was showing no more than polite interest in talking to me...

I always think in these situations, "Yes, the other girl is more flashy -highlighted blonde, wearing revealing clothing, etc. -but if you just give me a chance you'll see that I am quite special and interesting."

Sigh.

ANd of course I didn't show any part of the true, warm, funny me today. I felt at once a bit dampened and also artificially lively in conversation.

When I was thinking about it I realized pretty quickly that I had no one to blame but myself. It's not a matter of chance or fate that she grabbed his attention. She was making it much easier for him.

I basically told the guy, "I'm better than you at something that is important to you. You'll have to convince me that you're exciting." UGH. What guy would be attracted to that?

And I did no coquettish anything. What I really should have been is JUST MYSELF. Why couldn't I just have been the usual me, the me that I am with C. or with Natasha or with Dan or with A. or the poet scientist?

I'm really not an insecure wanker in general. I'm neither egotistical nor competitive. I'm just nice. I really do care about other people. I never make a good first impression, but once people give me a chance they find out that I am a good and loyal friend who really cares. It's so frustrating that I can't attract guys in the initial impression, in order to give them an opportunity to see the whole.

So depressing. Oh well. Back to square one. I am clearly not yet ready for dating.

In the conversation at the restaurant though I did have the sense that he is a nice guy. He was very gracious and polite and intelligent and even just a wee bit nerdy. But a good dresser. :) And he's very cute.

BUt oh well. He will never give me a chance. He invited her and not me to come out to a party being held by his running group tonight.

Granted, she had asked about the social opportunities around town given that she is new in town. She seemed like a nice enough woman although I found her to be a little bit loud. Anyhow. I hope they'll be happy together. :)

4:49 p.m. - 2008-01-26

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