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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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quick note on the ballet

I had written that I was going to the ballet tonight -the first of my "season's tickets," but somehow that entry seems to have been lost.

It is probably just as well. I think that that entry was sort of defeatest.

You know, I've been in this situation before. I should have known better. I know that the best thing to do is just be myself, and if the person isn't attracted to that more than he is to someone else, then so be it.

I guess what hurt so much is that I'd definitely had the impression before today that he was interested in getting to know me. It hurt that a pretty face would turn his head so quickly. But I guess that is the way of the world.

Yeah, that's all. It hurts to be overlooked, to feel like a piece of furniture. I seem to do a lot of this these days. At work the senior economist is always going on about his wife and telling me that I have to accept that it is too late for me to have a family.

At home, C. just laughs and shrugs when I tell him that I feel unattractive. It's a bit difficult.

Tonight at the ballet there were two women beside me, obviously each doing exactly what I was doing. The one looked like a horrible sourpuss, putting on airs. She looked put out when I politely gestured that I needed to get by her legs.

And let me ask you: WHO wears a burgundy wool floor-length a-line skirt with a red wool jacket? Eew.

That was my catty remark for the night?

The woman right beside me looked like more of a nervous type. During the intermission she did everything to indicate that she did NOT want me to speak with her but that she fully expected I was going to. I had no such intention. WIth all of her posturing with her program and positioning her nervous little body away from me I seriously wanted to turn to her to say, "GEE, look, I don't want to talk to anyone tonight!"

At the same time, she looked like someone whom I might want to know. She looked like someone in my position. She looked like an attractive, educated approaching-forty woman who feels defeated. Everything in her gaze - and in her walk into the crowd and down the stairs after it was over - said defeated.

I don't want to be defeated, to feel bitter and defeated. I do feel that way now, and it only makes things worse. I wish there were a magic pill to snap out of it.

I think the only thing that is going to save me this winter is my volunteer work. At least there I feel as though I matter in some small way, that people appreciate my efforts.

Oh well, I shouldn't complain. I saw a fabulous ballet! It was exquisite. I'm going to upgrade my seat for the next one though as the balcony is too vertiginal for my liking. And cramped. And even though the acoustics are perfect I don't really like looking at dancers who look a bit miniatured and doll-like. I shoudln't have cheaped out on the seats. (I mean in what developed country can you get a season's worth of tickets to the ballet for $99 Canadian plus tax. KInd of sad, non?)

Yes, so I'm going to buy the best possible seat to the next ballet, and I am going to get up and buy myself a drink in the intermission. I'm going to enjoy it all.

I'm also going to buy opera tickets. I love the opera. It is sad not to go to the opera.

So there, c'est tout.

Sleep well!

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11:06 p.m. - 2008-01-26

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