enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Let's talk about stress, baby

I'm doing something very unusual today - I'm writing in the morning. I will write in the mornings, perhaps, and read in the evenings.

You see I've decided that if I'm going to shake up my life in the important ways - getting out of my apartment more often in my spare time, making the effort to meet people in general, giving guys a chance/not writing people off before opening up to possibilities, taking more initiative...

I should change some of my habits as a kind of foreshadowing of change.

So I made a pact that this night owl is no longer going to go to bed late and roll out of bed at 8 a.m., just in time to shower and race over to work for 9.

It's going to be tough.

I've made a pact with myself that I'm going to get up no later than 7:30 a.m., and ideally 7 a.m., so that I can have time to myself to sit, eat a proper breakfast, drink a nice cup of relaxing herbal tea first and then a cup of good coffee.

I figure that this routine, sitting in the quiet in my apartment in the morning light...can be a kind of tonic to life, a kind of meditation. It might just help me to feel less under the gun when I get to work.

Speaking of work - and I will do so only VERY briefly :) - I was like a kid before the first day of school last night. I could NOT sleep. I tossed and turned with anxiety. At one point I had to lie on my back and pretend - as C. has advised me - that I am a giant mountain, and that the thoughts approaching me were nothing more than clouds whipping towards me and by me.

To my enormous surprise, it actually worked.

Go meditation!

I've decided that meditation and sleep need to be two big priorities for me in the next month, to deal with all of the hard learning that I need to in the next month at work. In general the pressure at work will be high: it's Fudge It time for a min0rity gov3rnment.

Well, I mean, it's annual Fudge It time, in any event.

That's all that I can say.

I think that's it. I'm not feeling very creative.

I was kind of depressed and disappointed in myself yesterday. I realized that I had spent most of a 12-day holiday inside, by myself.

In my defense, of course, most of the people whom I know - new friends, for example - were away for the holidays. Others I avoided.

I concluded yesterday that I avoided Ken and Ava because, even though they are long-time friends and very nice people, lately everything has been about their relationship. Whilst I don't mind being a friend and being there for them, I just wasn't in the mood for listening to him talk about how she needs to work out more, and her talking about he needs to give her more space. They need to work these things out for themselves.

Actually, the bigger issue for me with them is the way that they cavalierly remark on my spinsterdom. They're always saying things like "You can babysit our kids (that they're planning to have in the next couple of years)," with the tone of "We don't think at all that you are going to get married and have kids."

They never ask me about my life anymore. And they definitely never offer any advice or encouragement re. dating. I don't expect them to set me up or anything, but the point is that they are too self-absorbed to even think of it.

I'm actually not demanding of attention at all with my friends. I've just been noticing that it's all giving on my part these days, particularly with her. I just don't have the keenness for it.

Hmm.. Maybe that's it. I see that I only have ten minutes left before I must start walking to work. :( I wish that that didn't depress me so much. I hate my office - grey, next to the boss so a bit of a traffic zone with people always coming by to discuss various policies with him. And also nearby to my senior economist, who constantly interrupts me as I'm trying to work through a problem, I'm assuming now to show off his superior knowledge.

Gee, I sound a bit as though I'm ready to go on the warpath. I'll try it for a bit - perhaps a little bit of fighting back is not against the appropriate prescription.

OK. I will finish ze muesli and pour a cup of that delicious-smelling Ethiopian fair trade that I've made.(Update: Oh MY GOODNESS THAT IS DELICIOUS COFFEE! When I bought it the girl said that I should pair it with fruit pie. I nodded and thought, yeah, I'll be saving this for dessert. Not. It's called a morning IV In my house...) It's -35 or some such nonsense outside right now and so I should warm my insides before heading out... :)

Have a great day!

8:23 a.m. - 2008-01-03

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