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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Rebuilding required.

Ok. I'm not looking for sympathy, but I must say that today was the worst, most humiliating day I have had in a long time.

This morning I cried in my office. I'm really over the top with anxiety at the moment. I haven't struggled so much to control the mounting anguish in a number of years. I'd thought I'd cured myself of that particular disabling experience.

Apparently not.

This morning was absurd. I couldn't think straight at all. It was so humbling and horrible. This afternoon wasn't much better, but I took myself out for a walk - an escape, really - bought myself some food, sat in a quiet corner for a while, and gradually was able to return to work. I stayed until 8 p.m. tonight, and beteen 5 and 8 p.m. I was able to work through something so that I at least felt I accomplished something.

I walked home slowly in the snow, dragging my feet.

What really frustrates me about this is that I know that I am alone, that it is all up to me, and that, more importantly, I am capable of climbing this mountain. I just need to find it in myself to believe in myself again. I've lost all faith in myself and in my brain, which is the problem.

The brain isn't a machine - it's leveraged by feelings and health and rest. I simply cannot push mine any further at the moment. I know that the trick is to back off. I just hope that I haven't done too much damage to my reputation and that the holidays can provide sufficient recovery. It's devastating to me to think that my boss thinks that I am not bright and able to contribute, that he might regret hiring me.

What I need to do right now, however, is to banish all of these negative thoughts. Whatever any of the bosses in my section think of me, I can only move forward one day at a time. I must have patience and rebuild hope.

I think I'll stop there. On the walk home I swore to myself that I would try to meditate, relax, listen to music, find pleasure in my life tonight. I will try to sleep well and I will likewise try to get up in the morning with refreshed energy and vigour.

But first, how about copying a meme from harri3tspy, teranika and blighty: Five Things

Five Things I Don't Get:

1. How people can tolerate themselves in being so rude to other people in carrying on cell phone conversations in public places. The other night I was waiting behind a girl at the cash in the supermarket, whose cell phone conversation was apparently more important than paying her tab so that the 20 people behind her could go home. UGH.
2. As Blighty, I don't even want to think about thong underwear for kids. SHUDDER.
3. Why some women think it's sexy to expose *everything*.
4. How people can eat soda pop and fried foods day in and day out. I don't know how they have the energy to even get up off the couch on such a diet. If I eat that stuff for even a couple of days I feel so gross I don't even want to live...
5. How advantaged people can be intentionally cruel to or dismissive of people who have given them no cause.

Five Things I Wish I Had More of:

1. Self-confidence.
2. Mental calm.
3. Local friends.
4. Time to study new things.
5. Affection.

Five of My Least Favorite Words or Phrases:

1. Preggers. EEEEWW
2. "There's no two ways about it."
3. "His prose is nothing short of astonishing."
4. Misspellings of independent ("independant"), "dependent" ("dependant"), and the use of "compliment" in place of "complement."
5. "I'm looking for a gorgeous woman who is as comfortable in a hot dress as she is in jeans and a t-shirt." (Piss off, all ye online dating dudes!)

Five Famous People I've Spoken to in Person:

1. Jean Chr3ti3n (former PM). Peculiar. Funny.
2. Pierre P3ttigrew (former trade minister). Sauve. Tres sophisticated. Tres gay.
3. John Kenneth Galbraith (at the U.S. National Archives; nice, taaaaallll man)
4. Ross Perot. Kissed him on the cheek. No cheek from you, now. :)
5. Lots of famous runners, e.g. Grete Waitz (Norwegian female, 9-time winner of the NYC marathon), and Cathy Freeman (aboriginal Australian multiple gold medallist on the track)

Five Things I Do Almost Every Day that I Don't Particularly Enjoy:

1. Sit in my grey tweed office with the neon lights and the scent of doom surrounding me. :)
2. Go to bed.
3. Think about money.
4. Dwell on my inertia, hence becoming more inert (if that's possible. :)).
5. Shower half-awake in the freezing cold of my marginally-heated bathroom thinking: "Misery, thou art this!"

Five Things I Have Actually Done That (May) Sound Like Lies:

1. Um. I don't know. I really don't. Celibate me has actually dated maaaaany men. Dozens, for sure. :) But that was all SOOO long ago...

2. I stole my step-father's car over Easter vacation (not sure where my parents were at the time) and drove it directly from London, Ontario to LL B3an in Fr3eport, Maine, with a guy in my History course in first year university whom I liked.

3. Ran over a porcupine on the drive home on trip in #2, cracked the front bumper plastic and tied it to the undercarriage of the car with a piece of wire. Did not mention fact to parents, obviously.

4. NEVER got caught for taking the car. They eventually blamed the bumper thing on my brother. (Finally, he got the blame for SOMETHING.) Parents never noticed the miles that had been put on the car. Parents not observant.

5. Um. Performed "These Boots are Made for Walking" for a bunch of Korean doctors in a private karaoke (norebang) room in rural South Korea?

|

8:47 p.m. - 2007-12-20

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