enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Bought dress and more butter, possibly killed Ken and Ava's plants whilst they are in Cuba, and accidentally came on to a guy on the net..

Thanks so much for your input, ladies! I bought the dress. I know that you are correct that I will wear it for ages and ages. It's super good because it can be made to look quite conservative with a cardigan or jacket, or sassy and cute for other occasions!

I've been sorely missing a little black dress for a while now. The last one I bought on sale for NYE in 2000 and I find that it's just a tiny bit too sexy for me these days. I actually think that perhaps the fabric has simply given out a little bit, as the exposure on top is a little bit much. I mean, I don't have much to show, anyhow. But I have just enough that...I don't want to publicly exhibit any breast stretch marks, if you know what I mean.

Anyhow. Debate over. I have seriously been looking at that dress for weeks. But oddly I get strangely hyper-frugal at moments involving spending money on investment pieces. Sort of stupid.

So I've decided that I'm going to work harder at editing this journal. I always write right into the text box, because thoughts are usually rolling impatiently from my head at the moment at which I decide to post something.

But I reread yesterday's entries and was thinking, "My lord that was one long repeated idea. And it's the same idea I've been repeating for months/years!"

Yikes!

Today was a not-bad day, in spite of the fact that I am still having multiple moments of hyper-slow brain function and embarrassing lapses in coordination. I won't tell you what I did today. I honestly wonder if my colleagues are convinced that I am brain damaged in some way. I seriously just lose it at times.

The only explanation that I can give for these lapses is anxiety. I don't give this to them but rather to myself, because even though I feel relatively calm I have a suspicion that my deep-seated need to become valuable there is sustaining an underlying panic within me. It's something that I've experienced before, to be sure - I can never remember feeling more humiliated than when I started having panic attacks at the beginning of my Ph.D. coursework, during which I sometimes would not be able to think of anything to write on an exam for the full first hour. I wrote an entire exam in Canadian economic history in about half of the allotted time, as a result of one such attack, in spite of the fact that I knew EVERYTHING for that course. (I read that literature voraciously.)

It's a terrifying thing to feel unable to connect the dots. My only comfort is that by the time that I had been at my last department a few months my confidence and comfort had grown sufficiently that I was really impressed with the speed with which my brain was functioning. So let's hope...

Off the dull topic of work.

I'm still convinced that I will never be able to bring myself to go out with someone from the online dating site on which I've had a profile for a couple of months. I'm not quite sure why I continue to go there and examine the messages that I'm receiving. I think in my heart I've pretty much decided that what I need to do is start doing more activities in the real world. We know this; I've been living like a relative hermit, and when I do go out I inevitably meet nice people who invite me to do other things. So a no brainer: I need to go out.

Here's a snippet though of a rather amusing conversation that I had with a guy online yesterday. (I had already told him that I wouldn't go out with him, for a good reason, and he had accepted this with understanding.)

Him: That's hilarious! You're killing me here! You're by far the most articulate, fun, smart, sassy chick I've ever had the pleasure of not meeting. Stop it.

Me: Thanks. You're swelling my head. I pride myself in my easy recognition of sleazy double entendre. ;)

Yours in sass,
EB

Him: Speaking of swollen heads and double entendres...Ahhh, what might have been.
Yours in a hot tub,
C

Me: Ha! Touch�.

So, shockingly, it seems that I have mastered sleazy internet flirting. Imagine that!

But I suppose you could say that I am not exercising my diarying editing skills very conscientiously tonight. :)

What else? Oh! A friend from my old work sent me the NICEST email this morning. It meant so much to me. I'm going to keep it by my desk for all of the moments in which I feel like an absolute idiot. I just wrote "idiots." So funny. I'm discovering a second personality, I suppose. :)

Here's the note:

"It was nice to chat with you on Saturday. Remember how smart you are EB when you're dealing with those Line Dance boys. Soemone will realize how much you have to offer soon enough - just like they did here."

OK. THat's it. Except OH MY GOODNESS: I realized why the cookies did not work out yesterday. I put in twice as much sugar and half as much butter as required. Can you believe it? I was absentmindedly making the dough - my grandmother's brown sugar shortbread recipe - and actually thought to myself, "Gee, one stick is one cup."

DUH NO! (and let's not even mention the fact that I also burned the super-challenging three ingredient cookies...)

How many thousands of cookies have I made in my life? And how anally retentive am I about measurement?

Well, not really to the latter.

But I do know all of the conversions to the ml, g, oz, (pinch! ;)),whatever, and am quite precise when required (most of the rest of the time I like to improvise).

See? Brain definitely not firing at the moment. Sure hope it's not hormonal.

It seems that I might just be beginning to live up to my childhood nickname of Ann3 of Gr33n Gables. Perhaps you haven't read the book, but at one point she gets her best friend drunk on current wine that she had actually thought was raspberry cordial when she selected it from the pantry in the midst of a wild daydream. This unfortunately wasn't such an acceptable thing to do in...1905 rural Canada. :)

OK. That's it. I bought some stuff to make some more cookies, and also some nice baguette to enjoy a cheesy snack.

Have a lovely evening!

Oh and before I go I should mention that I'm freaking out that I might have killed Ken and Ava's plants. They asked me to come by and water them this weekend, and I had planned to do this on Sunday. But yesterday was the big snowstorm so I decided to go today at lunch. And then today I had forgotten (see, major memory lapses), that my section was going for xmas lunch. So I went AFTER work, and the poor plants were all droopy and horrid looking. I'm so concerned! I'm guessing that K&A underestimated how much water they would need, and why did they not have little drippy water stick thingies in them?

OK. I shouldn't blame them. It's my fault. I hope the plants don't die. They looked so forlorn. :(

8:20 p.m. - 2007-12-17

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