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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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More on the party, now that I've had 6 hours of sleep

You know, I think I need to write down RIGHT NOW, the important things that I learned from the experience last night, and yesterday in general.

I don't want to speculate about any untoward motives of the poet scientist in buying me the book. I know him well enough to know that he is a genuinely kind and giving person. He's only a post-doc rather than permanent, STILL, because government processes are so SLOW, so he's making pitifully little money for someone of his skill. It's ridiculous. I know completely useless policy people who are making 120% more than he is at the moment, and he's one of Canada's experts on a particular type of food safety research. It's ludicrous.

In spite of his weak resources - made more acute by the fact that he supported his ex-wife through the last five years of a major depression and a battle with the university over her PhD - the guy volunteers with the Childr3n's Aid Society on the other side of the city, and had to join a rather expensive car co-op in order to do it. He also volunteers at the foodbank, and otherwise very generously performs all sorts of little acts of thoughtfulness to others (postcards from Chile, a little necklace from an art bazaar that he knew would boost the spirits of a friend/lab colleague). And I truly love the poems that he has sent me.

Anyhow. So I'm going to take the lesson from his lovely book, and try to surprise a few people similarly. Perhaps D. I'll try to do something cute and funny for D., who is as we speak moving his girlfriend back to Toronto and preparing for his life to possibly change forever. (They're ending a ten year relationship.)

The big lesson -and this one stems as much, too, from from last night's party - is that I want to learn from those people as to - for lack of a better expression - how to love. One really gets the feeling from these people that they love and respect each other. All of the couples seemed so happy and natural with each other, and many of the connections in the group were longstanding.

I guess I realized - sort of to my pleasure, in figuring out a piece of the puzzle, and sort of to my chagrin, in realizing how far I have to go - that these people simply have the confidence that they are worthy to be loved, and they've gone out and opened themselves up to that. They are unquestioning of their own and each other's worth.

I've applied too much of my life, in contrast, to doubting myself, comparing myself to others, feeling unloveable...and thinking that achieving things would somehow get other people to see some worth in me. Even if there are clearly discernable causes for these tendencies, they're certainly not going to move me any steps in the direction of becoming one of these people. (And by that I don't mean these specific people in the sense of crashing their party, forcing myself into their group, but the type of people who just embrace and accept themselves.)


It's SUCH hard work to overcome my terrible reflexes, and the sometimes desperate urgency that I feel to end my loneliness. I get so frustrated that I don't have the habits of behaviour to constructively go out every day and take another step forward. I waste so many days in indecision, self-doubt, a failure to find and absorb useful information. I was listening to many of the poeple at the party last night, particularly at the end, and I thought two things. The first was, "WOW! These people are so interesting." The second one was "Wow! Why would anyone want to be with me? I'm so boring and stiff and old and pathetic! It's all over for me; it was all over for me a long time ago." One thought good, another so destructive. Need I say more? .)

The one I particularly like used to be a crew boss for a rare mushrooms company and, as a 24 year-old woman, was literally plunked down a couple of times in the absolute wilderness in the north and on the northern west coast. She told of going out scoping through burns in the forest and encountering grizzlies and moose and black bears all by herself. This girl also went to graduate school in Sweden, has traveled most of South America on her own, and meets her grad school cohort in countries around the world for a yearly reunion. SUCH an awesome girl. She's the one who invited me to the party. She has such warmth and curiosity. She's the one I clicked with on Hallowe'en.

There was another exceptionally interesting person at the party - a guy who went from being a top-notch student and triathlete to being brain damaged in a cycling accident a few years back and who has fought his way back to some level of functionality -but I'll save writing about him until another time.

So much to learn, to think about. Must. not. fall. back. into. old. patterns.

I keep on reading that there is a book out there called cognit!ve therapy for dummies. And my only thought is that what I need is a giant cognitive therapy mallet with which to whack myself completely senseless.

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10:43 a.m. - 2007-12-16

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