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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Such a lonely, lonely day. If I were thinking suicidal thoughts it would be right about now.

Awful, awful day. I should not be writing this as I slept insufficiently last night, feel I'm coming down with a cold...

I just felt the most depressed I have felt in so long during this afternoon's office party.

I don't fit in with these people. They don't include me, they don't appreciate my sense of humour, they just don't seem to like me. When I'm talking with most of them I get the feeling that they think I'm stupid. It's an impression I've often had before, with people who don't speak my "emotional language."

They're cold fish relative to the people to whom I'm accustomed.

All of the secret Santa gifts were pretty much bottles of booze. I had been used to places where people put a bit of imagination into things, so I did the book gift card with notes thing. I know it wasn't particularly funny but I had thought it was safely cute. But no one got it, and I felt like a dork.

And of course Farrah was there and whenever I was standing near her she made it apparent that I wasn't to join in on any conversation that she was having.

And my senior economist from my old job ignored me the whole time at the party. I don't know if it was because he was trying to forge his own esteemed place in the new workplace - he certainly has more developed skills than I do, with 9 years of modeling to his credit - but I didn't think it was nice of him not to notice that I was kind of alone. No worries - I did not think it was his responsibility to entertain me; I do not think it is his job to entertain me. I just felt sad.

TO be honest with you, I've felt lately this subtle feeling that he has been trying to compete with me. He is always trying to "one-up" me, and he downplayed the fact that I spotted the error in logic in his work on that note that got stopped the other day.

Any way you slice it I just felt so alone. And then at the end when I was trying to be polite and linger a bit to listen to the after talk, when people were tlaking about their kids and kid gift buying I felt even worse - they made me feel as though I was weird for not having kids. And to put the icing on the cake, they made fun of my library degree. I realize that they know that I have credentials in economics, but still I would never make fun or question the utility of someone's other degree, even if I felt it was silly. It's just bad manners.

I'm starting to feel so, so badly about myself again. I walked home in the snow feeling like "What is the point of this? I'm nothing."

I feel so low. I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I guess in 11 months I can start looking for a job back at my old department.

I wish something could come along to tell me that I'm not so stupid and weird and undesirable. I can't help but feel otherwise at the moment. I try so hard to be nice to others and to not intrude and not impose. Still I suspect that they don't like me. I lack the confidence and intelligence I guess to impress these people. And in a wider sense I wonder if it is just that I am not worthwhile, and that everyone else sees it to a degree that I haven't yet realized. It could be the reason that I cannot even get a date. I feel just about ready to give up.

Please don't worry - I'm not looking for attention. I just need to simply, honestly express what I was feeling when I was walking home - as though I should seriously evaluate myself and figure out what is wrong with me and what I can do, if anything, to fix it. Perhaps I don't belong in circles with smart, professional people.

I know the answer to all of this: I simply need to go forward and be just as smart as I am, and offer just as much as I have to offer. I made several good friends in my last workplace, and those people were/are not wrong to like me. This might be simply not a good fit; it is not always about me. I just wish I could feel less - I don't know - bereft, I guess. There's been too much strain on me lately. I'm strong but sometimes I'm not as strong as I need to be. Sometimes one wishes for just a little bit of luck.

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6:10 p.m. - 2007-12-14

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