Photobucket

enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wasn't happy today. In fact, I was pretty useless.

I gotta tell you -unabashedly - that I fell down emotionally today. It is just too much to take.

My boss I think thinks that I am stupid. I am not stupid. But when I put pressure on myself I get anxious, say stupid things, have trouble following discussions, and...seem stupid. I konw that he won't give up on me after less than 3 weeks, but I do want to impress.

TRYING to impress is my first mistake - I know, I know.

Anyhow. I could not help myself. By lunch today, after a meeting with the division director in which I understood very little of the discussion, I was so wound up that...at lunch with friends I spontaneously burst into tears. I was so embarrassed. I just couldn't control it. I felt so sad. And then C. berated me. He apologized later. BUt he gets tired of me being so hard on myself and I understand this.

THe afternoon was better, mostly because I kind of didn't do anything. I took it easy on myself. I hid a bit. And then I had trouble sending a link for a document to my boss and I think that he thought I was SOOOO stupid.

And the people from my old office kept emailing me to ask for help and honestly I thought I was going to scream. I gave them all of my documents and programs, pointed out the data dictionary and finally said,
I DON'T WORK FOR YOU CRAZY PEOPLE ANYMORE.

I said it nicely.

And then I went to the bathroom and cried a bit again.

It doesn't help that I have my period.

But after work Dan asked if he could meet me to buy me a fancy latte and he remembered that chocolate mint is my favourite flavour and bought me a chocolate mint square. He is a good guy. He made me feel worthwhile as a person and I started to feel better in general about the day.

On my way home I stopped into a little boutique to look for something unusual and pretty. I know, I know, I will unashamedly admit that I was thinking retail therapy (better than alcohol therapy, perhaps). I didn't find anything that I liked, however, and furthermore hated the way that the shop person treated me. I've taken to wearing frumpy boots and a frumpy parka to work. I've realized in this regard that I am middle-aged. If I have a meeting I'll wear the fancy boots and fancy coat and cashmere scarf and everything. Every other day that starts out snowy and minus 23 I wear the warm parka and the boots that won't be destroyed by salt.

Anyhow. So in this outfit of course I got disdain from the shop women. I find this so ludicrous. Moments like this make me feel like flashing my lovely figure and nice outfit under my coat, but then I think, "Meh, they're shop women. Whatever."

I know, I know - stupid, trival conversation to have in one's head. And really I know that I am middle-aged because the moment passed quickly and I did not feel phased. I will still wear the brown garbage bag coat to work tomorrow. :)

And I didn't buy anything! I'm rather proud of myself. I don't need retail therapy! I don't need retail therapy.

I definitely feel sad today. I want to feel happier, finally. I want to feel successful in some way. Everything seems to hit me at once. Yesterday a woman on my floor who is a little bit younger than I am - a very pretty and smart woman - told me with glowing happiness about her 14-month-old son. She asked me if I have any children. Likewise an old acquaintance came by today and told me that she now has two children - 2 and 4. I'm getting tired of having to smile and say cheerily, "No, I don't have any. But I love children; tell me about yours!"

Inside my head of course I'm thinking, "No, no one wants me and I'll probably never get to have the life that you're having."

It definitely hurts. But I cannot cry and I cannot complain. It is all my own fault. I was too picky and too busy being selfish when I was younger. I did all of the wrong things. I deserve my situation. All I can do is save money, work harder, try to build happiness in other ways. There is nothing else to do and my life is better than that of many others. I should not feel sorry for myself.

OK. Before it gets TOO late, I believe that I should go for a little run. :)

Off I go!

|

8:04 p.m. - 2007-12-06

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

Come al solito - 2011-04-16
unfettered spending - 2011-04-15
How does it go? - 2011-04-14
Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13
bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08