enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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More ramblings on the terror that is work.

You guys are so lovely. I hardly deserve the warmth and generosity -it helped so much to come home to that. Thank you!

Today *was* slightly better, if only because I was there *legally* today.

I didn't mention that part yesterday.

I had decided that on this job/department switch I would not be paranoid for a change. So when my new boss had told me that my letter of offer would not be ready for me to sign until my first day, I had decided (after an initial moment of paranoia), "Meh, put it out of your mind, give your notice, yada yada."

Plus my new department has a good reputation for being a tightly managed ship.

Anyhow. So I got in yesterday, the admin took me down to the security office to get the pass without which one can do nothing, and the woman in the office who was supposed to be in charge of my case file had no idea who I was!

(And she was quite snarky about it, too.)

Of course once reminded that I had been dealing with her a couple of weeks ago re. my long, long, long security and *int3lligence* agency secrecy forms, she remembered that at least in the sense of being a bona fide citizen of this country I do exist. I was told quite pointedly, however, that since HR had not sent anything re. me I did not exist in a *human resources* sense.

(Ironically once pressed she conceded not only that I existed as a social insur@nce number, but that the marvelous secret approvals forces of this country had declared me...squeaky clean.)

Hmm..

So having been in and out of the civil service umpteen times this did not phase me. I once sat for three days in a government office in Australia wondering if they were ultimately going to give me the permit to work as a Canadian at the High Comm!ission, which of course was something that my department (of illicit relationships) was supposed to have worked out BEFORE I entered the country.

NEVERMIND.

I have patience of IRON !

No, no I don't.

Particularly given that in my new department you need a security pass to USE THE BATHROOM.

So yesterday I spent all day

1) illegal;

2) having to ask for an escort to the bathroom; and

3) not being able to get food or coffee.

I also spent all day without a computer, since of course one does need all of the aforementioned security privileges and passwords to have access to...you know, IT and all.

Finally, to add insult to injury, the people in HR got all angry and such and at the end of the day after pushing through my offer letter at my boss's insistence, they wrote him a snippy note saying that in this instance Ms SO and SO (ME!) would not be PENALIZED for outrageously having started to work without proper clearance.

(My boss was also told that he would be held personally liable for any injuries that had occurred to me during that day, which more than mildly amused me, particularly given that they said that it was my responsibility to report them to him. I'll tell you that I wanted to injure something ever so slightly, although it was not exactly any part of ... me. ;-) UPDATE: The senior admin in our section who was away yesterday was IRATE about HR doing this and has filed a formal complaint.)

So yesterday my boss was very nice and everything, but he had no time to spend with me as he had just returned from the O3CD and had a bunch of rush things to do.

And then of course the director of the branch swept in and pretentiousnessed me completely out of my comfort zone.

I had really wanted to leave yesterday, in that way that Roma!n Dur!s decided in L'Aub3rge Espagnol3 to simply toss his vending machine espr3sso and to flee at top speed out of the EC Econom!cs branch in his wingtips...

Anyhow.

So yesterday was BAD, so BAD.

I mean, it was BAD.

But today was *slightly* better.

I still felt incredibly stupid, and the senior director caught sounds of me asking a quesiton out of context of my director (because I REALLY REALLY hadn't understood what he wanted me to do) and made a joke about how "DUH, no, you're not supposed to do it for Canada, you're supposed to do it for Austria." (At which point enfin says, "Gee, funny. Thanks!" (brightly, of course), and slinks out of the office with her tail between her legs, thinking, (grumble, grumble) Arsehole. And I saw you checking out my a-s yesterday, which is why I wore an even baggier and longer skirt today...Which makes you a double, super jerk, with whipped cream and a cherry on top.)

So today I thought only slightly less lengthily about throwing myself out one of the windows on that our upper floor of the office tower, and anyhow with my luck the windows are likely sufficiently thick in this building that no amount of running down the corridors to build up speed and hurling of plastic plants in massive pots at them would yield desirable results.

(Unlike in the office tower in Toronto in which - no joke - a lawyer in some posh offices on the 54th floor or something demonstrated -well no, didn't demonstrate, actually - to some clients a few years ago that the floor-to-ceiling windows were secure by bashing himself against them. He fell to his death, right in front of his clients! Can you imagine? UGH. What a way to convince your clients that their problems are really not so very acute. :( (I definitely need to learn the grimace-faced emoticon...))

(No lawyer jokes to be inserted here!)

But that's it for my work trauma, in any specific sense.

I felt stupid, I asked stupid questions and...then C. berated me for mentioning as we were leaving the building that "I feel confused."

Apparently I am supposed to be a robot and paranoid because the walls have ears and my career might be ruined if I reveal that I. just. don't. understand. something.

Anyhow, so one illuminating thing occurred when I was introduced thoroughly around the floor today. I could tell pretty quickly that I am amongst a bunch of super-bright people who mostly have an edge as well as reserve.

There are a bunch of people on the floor who are a part of the accelerated "elite" program that C. is in. This means that they have a certain set of skills - not necessarily or even usually technical skills - but a set of skills that means that they are being streamed to become senior directors/managers. All OK.

Only I don't understand why SO MUCH ARROGANCE has to go along with this. Dumb thought, I know.

I suppose that the reason is INSECURITY. Obvious, yes.

Most of these people probably have that imposter syndrome thing whereby they think that on any day, at any moment, they are going to be found out as imperfect.

I have a feeling that these people even compete when they are in the toilets; how, I will not speculate.

The interesting thing is that there is a woman who has graduated from C's program who is dating a guy in C's program and whom I met at a meeting at my old department a couple of months ago. Recently C. and I ran into her and her boyfriend on the street and she pretended that I didn't exist. C. tried to convince me that she simply hadn't remembered me from the meeting. (I was not convinced, and in any event she was simply rude.)

So today when my boss was with me and I was introduced to her she was very friendly. I mentioned the connections and she said, "Yes, I remember the face."

But then of course this afternoon when I ran into her elsewhere in a hallway I said hello and she gave me a sort of supercilious face and passed by.

I REALLY don't get this kind of behaviour.

I have done nothing to deserve a snub.

Anyways, I ignore these people. I shrug my shoulders and that is it.

It's weird how women especially do this. But whatever. I just. don't care. anymore.

I think that's it for my ranting. I'm not sure what to do with myself. The bad thing about hating my job is that everything else seems dark and gloomy when I come home - my apartment, my work clothes littered on my chair, my computer, even my books. It all feels rather...bleak, since they somehow remind me that they can't protect me from the ticking clock that indicates that in 13 hours I will have to go back there. I will have to find a way to turn all of that around.

Oh! I almost forgot to mention the one interesting thing that happened today.

My friend D. from my last job emailed me today once I was up and had my security pass (yes, it did come through today). And we already konw that I love this guy so much as a friend and that just his awareness of my feelings on the other side of the city today was such a comfort. But here's the interesting part: He wanted to know on whom I had a crush at my old department in the adjoining directorate. (I'd mentioned the eagle in a totally general way.) D. of course thought that my crush was on some young stud muffin. I had not wanted to say anything specific about the crush before I left the department, but I gave D. a few clues and he guessed correctly today. The thing is though that I was simply not yet ready to ask him to find out if this guy is married and with kids and so on. I simply said, "The guys I like are always married and with kids already." This seemed to prevent D. from thinking much more of the situation. But now that I have planted the seed in his head I might just ask D. if he can find out for me if baldy is at all available, and if so if perhaps I should consider sending him an email. I'm still really waiting for fate to intervene - a chance meeting or something - but you just never know. For now it's not a top priority.

6:55 p.m. - 2007-11-20

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