enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not a good end to the night.

I got home tonight at 12, after being out with friends, and I finally let the floodgates burst.

I'm so afraid of going to Finance. I had found a safe place where I was - not a good growth-related, development place. But a safe place.

And tonight when I was out I tried to hide it but I felt something small and sad beneath the surface.

It was not the kind of wound I used to feel.

But it was a fatigue with the way things are.

I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready to be fulfilled.

I'm tired of waiting. Why can't the bounty of the universe just shower itself on me now?

I've done the work. I've paid my dues. I've tried so hard.

I need to not feel sorry for myself. I need to forget about this temporary weakness. I will not always be alone.

I was out with couples tonight. Why this should matter is ridiculous, since these couples are not couples whose relationships I envy. Isn't it silly that one can be out with couples and envy the simple state of coupledom?

Ridiculous.

I feel as though I am special, worthwhile. I feel as though someone should want me. And I believe that there probably is someone out there who would, who does. But he can't seem to find me.

And I'm utterly ineffectual at finding him.

So I plod on. And I fear my new job and my ever-changing life.

I think I'm just tired.

I'll go to sleep and hopefully I will no longer feel like lying prostrate on my floor to cry.

I'm just so frustrated! I don't feel any deep sadness. I just feel like screaming to the air "Why not me?"

Why not me?

Why me?

I heard a guy with cancer once say "Why NOT me?"

Things are as they are. I must accept.

Or maybe I should have done something before the light went out in that corner office this afternoon. Maybe I should have acted and not spent the evening in lonely company.

Always a maybe. Sigh.

12:40 a.m. - 2007-11-17

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