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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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To enfin on her 37 and 1/2th birthday

UGH.

Further to the entry of 1 p.m. today, I'm feeling woeful and glum.

I did exactly the OPPOSITE of what I should have done.

And to what end? For what purpose? What did I have to lose?

It was so awful.

I was already tired, as I didn't sleep well last night.

And I got to the class at the last minute only to find only three people there and to be confronted by his back.

There was also an unfamiliar teacher leading the class.

So I rolled my bike up to the front and completely forgot that I was wheeling the bike by the handlebars and dropped it facing away from the teacher!

Doh!

No worries. So I mumbled something about having done many classes before, and that I was simply tired today.

And that should have been it.

But I just couldn't look at him.

Even though it was the perfect opportunity - there were only two other people in the class (ladies). It was perfect. I could see in the mirror that he was periodically looking at me.

ANd after the class was over I briefly said a thank you to the teacher, and when I returned to my bike I could see that he was waiting for me to turn my bike so that he could let me go ahead of him.

ANd STILL, STILL I did not look at him. I mumbled a nice thank you and did not make eye contact.

I'm so stupid. I have a great smile. I should have flashed him a smile.


ARGHHHHH.

And then we went to clean off the bikes and I moved my bike aside for him and he said, "take as much time as you like."

Again, no eye contact. I mumbled thank you to him, cleaned up quickly, and parked my bike.

Doh!

After this - the final, final insult to my self-confidence - occurred when I realized that he was walking behind me on the stairs up to our floor and I sped up!

I SPED UP!

I don't know what was wrong with me. I was all confused and a-flutter and I guess there was a part of me that felt like a stalker or something -even though I did not at all expect him to be there.

Oh not good.

And I know it's weird to say this, nevertheless, but I simply have a feeling about this guy. I get a feeling in his presence that I know him somehow, that I'm supposed to know him.

It's horribly disconcerting.

So the bad news/bald-faced fact is that the last spinning class for me is on Thursday. This is because the gym is in my office tower and as of Monday I'll be on the other side of the river. I've already canceled my membership to get my refund. It would look very strange were I to cross the river to use that gym (not to mention be time consuming).

He IS on the list for Thursday, but only on the waiting list. SO I suppose that there is about a 50/50 chance that he will be there at that time. And that class will be much, much bigger and possibly led by a busybody woman in my unit, so it is unlikely that I will interact with him at that time.


OH well.

I wonder what i am supposed to take from this?

I suppose that the only thing to take from this is that I need a whole, huge helping of kick-in-the-butt confidence to just get out there and be myself. Why is this so difficult???

I'm quite sad at the moment, I can't deny it. I've failed one more time at taking the very smallest of risks. That's what hurts. And today would have been a good time to start making more of my 38th year - I realized this afternoon that it is half-way through that year. :(

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7:07 p.m. - 2007-11-13

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