enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

please forgive me this morning if I seem to be persnickety - hormones, you know! I should delete this as now that I have purged myself of these thoughts I am feeling delighted and clear-headed again! But I believe in honesty so it will rest.

I woke up a bit hungover in feeling this morning. I did not drink much last night - less than a glass of red wine. I must have been dehydrated when I did it. Or the weariness of my soul crept in and squeezed my brain cells. Who knows? :)

I woke up thinking that I should get loud and aggressive and take out all of my frustrations - and properly exercise my strong debating skills - in working for a human rights organization! I'm such a dreamer! An idealist with a capital "I" ! And life trudges on and I accomplish nothing but the completion of a series of well-meaning thoughts marching off to the tundra-like reaches of my brain.

I also woke up early. And realized that with the clock shift it was an hour earlier than I'd expected. I always relish that.

I think I woke up early because of anxiety, on the other hand, which is not good.

I feel a great deal of impatience to get on with my life, to move forward in getting out and doing more things outside of work. This is the clear way to move in order to ever be in a relationship.

That shouldn't be the motivation, I know.

But I'm already quite happy sitting alone in my apartment - at least I enjoy my solitary activities, as we know; I'm of that type - so finding the motivation to do other things that I believe will really EXPAND and not detract from my happiness is quite something else.

For sure I need to finally go to the police station again to get my police check for the Childr3n's A1d. My orientation is on Nov. 18. I'm excited about that.

I also have the onerous task to complete today of some major major security forms for the oxymoronic secur1ty and int3lligence agency. (I will go on no further.)

So right after waking and rolling around half attempting to sleep some more, and half planning out my future career as a human rights crusader, I turned on the radio. On the radio was an irritating woman flogging her new book - something about men being like mocha l@ttes.

I can't believe that people buy books by such women, or that the C-C would interview such a woman, or that there remains a market for books of the variety that have been flooding the market since the rules!

Oh who am I kidding? Of course I understand the motivation! I mean, I know: simple economics, supply and demand...

There are many women out there like me - single, educated, interesting, reasonably attractive, and ... uncertain about ever finding a mate and so ...desperate.

I'm not desperate although I'll admit that I've experienced -though not acted upon - feelings of near-desperation. :D

It's not easy being a late-30s, unmarried woman in our culture.

But you know that. So I'll stop.

So the reason that this woman was annoying in my view is that she had the most hideous and vacuous laugh. It made me shudder and plug my ears.

That was awful but the further thing was that she giggled when asked about the title and stated that when she was writing the book it had occurred to her that men are like coffee - some of us like them tall and dark, some of us like them short and sweet, and sometimes their taste is bitter (cue horrible laugh - tee hee hee eeeeeee hee).

Oh my, it was icky.

And worse yet, I was listening to it.

And even worse yet, I was hanging on in the hope that there might even be some sort of insight to be gained.

Or at least some sort of an embarrassing but necessary "slap!"

But no, it was horrible.

And in the end all it amounted to was what we all know: You have to be enjoying you life and getting on with it to be attractive to other people.

Duh.

But necessary advice for me, I know. :( (I think one of the worst things for me about the piece was really that this woman was talking about being in her late 20s and desperate to get married...not understanding how horrible it is to be in your late 30s, when so many men will not even consider dating you in the first place, since your best before date has passed. But I digress. It's my own fault that I am in this position, I know. And I must live with that.)

So one of the weird things that happened during the interview was that I felt sympathy for a guy with whom she went on date and whom she had met online. She said he had lied about his "details" (skin colour, height). But then he had told her simply and desperately on the date that he had wanted her to give him a chance, that women weren't giving him a chance, etc.

And I got that. I understood her point about lying - it's wrong. And I have taken her view all the way up to this point in my own experience. But her derision made me feel something sincere for the guy. Online it is very, very, very easy to look at someone's surface specs (I know, bad choice of word but that is what they are, for better or for worse) and say "NEXT!"

In fact, that is pretty much all that online dating is. It's a fantasy game. Some people ultimately find success with it. But you have to be in it in good faith and with the constant understanding that you are meeting human beings through it. And you have to meet someone similarly disposed. I don't think that that happens the majority of time. I'd venture a guess that it is becoming worse over time - like everything in our society, the process has rapidly garbage-ified itself. (LIke the new word?)

I write all of this in part in my own shame at how quickly potential suitors don't measure up for me. Most of the time it is because of an absence of very basically correct grammar and spelling in the notes. But should that be the criterion on which I judge a person?

I tell myself yes.

But perhaps I am wrong. Instead, I should be writing to all of the past Ministers of Educ@tion of the last 50 years! And those education theorists who decided that learning language by osmosis (what they called "whole language") was a good idea. No! No! It was not! Bring back the phonics! Bring back the spelling bees! Bring back the mean teachers with rulers who were permitted to wrap your knuckles when you failed to correctly utilize conjunctions! Or to subtract fractions! (I had to slip that one in - sorry!). :)

As Frost said, "I'd no sooner write free verse than play tennis with the net down!" Touche! Touche! (accents, where art thou?)

Bottom line is that i need to stop writing about this silliness and get out in the world - today and always! :)

So on a more serious note, yesterday when online I was confronted with one of those news stories about Canada having longer health care wait times than other countries (at least the six others in the study on which the article was based). And it might be true. But my LORD do news articles that pop up all the time and that are based on supposed STUDIES tick me off. The total sample of people interviewed mentioned in the article was a number really too small to get proper estimates. And no information was provided about selection. And no information was presented about the reliability of figures. Or about what medical procedures were discussed.

Anyhow. I just thought I'd mention that often I dislike the media. I'm one of those people who thinks that that it is actually getting much, much, much worse over time. This is especially true in Canada. And the Internet has not assisted this. ANd my goodness I am part of the scourge that is the Internet, with my random pointless musings.

On that note, I will present - instead of words - only photographs. It was cold yesterday, so perhaps the light is misleading. I took some photos of my neighbourhood from my windows yesterday. Today I'm actually going to go out. :)

I was like a spy, yesterday, zooming in on my neigbours' dirty laundry. OK -airing mattresses, from the vantage point of my skylight. I love the way the street perpendicular to the next one over peeks out in the photograph from behind the houses. In my mind I'm still a little girl in the makebelieve world of my childhood, in which all sorts of interesting things go on in the world in small, in my neighbourhood. (These are the people in my neighbourhood, in my neighbourhood, in my neighbourhood. Why did everything have to get so big???)

Can you believe it took me so long to figure out to zoom??? :) (The last, blurry one is of my chimney. Just because. :))

9:28 a.m. - 2007-11-04

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell