enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Fuddle duddle...

I'm feeling a little bit blah this morning. I mean, not down. But simply wishing that I had a nice guy to spend the weekend with.

But wishing will never get you anywhere. :)

I think I had too much fun this week - a taste of all of the good things.

Last night I had dinner with my friend D. D is a sweetheart, in a rather weird situation with a live-in girlfriend of 10 years, but with whom he is in the slow process of breaking up. (Apparently they have broken up, but she has continued living there for 8 months.)

Anyhow. There's no romantic interest between D. and I. He's quite a bit younger than I am, for example, and not at all interested in settling down for a long while.

But D. and I have a connection as friends, and he's certainly made my workplace tolerable.

SO the strangest thing happened yesterday. I was not terribly productive at work on Tuesday or Wednesday, and yesterday my friend B. who is also my boss had a bit of a hairy on me. I felt that it was totally unjustified because B knows how hard I work and the degree to which I've done everything for that place in good faith, in spite of not being done right by them (i.e. I am WAYYYYYYY underpaid for the skill level that I am offering relative to the others in my category, and they've abused that - long story).

So I mentioned all of this to B. and told him to ease up. He hadn't given me a deadline for a piece that I was writing and so I had had no idea that he wanted it on Thursday. I told him to tell me when he wants the next piece done by and the next piece will be done at that time. I finished the other piece yesterday, and it was far more interesting and carefully done than I think he was expecting. I prefer to do things correcly the first time.

Anyhow. I had French class yesterday morning. It's in my calendar. I had reminded B about it Thursday evening when we were talking.

But then when I got to work yesterday at noon, after French class, D. was in a panic as B. had come to him practically in tears thinking that I had just not shown up at work because I'd had a burnout - and that he had pushed me over the top.

I mean, I know that B. cares for me. And that is sweet and the point of this story. And so does D - he called me at home and was visibly relieved when I showed up all smiley at work at noon.

But my goodness men are NOT PERCEPTIVE AT ALL.

I'm totally happy and relaxed and confident right now - I only fired back at B on Thursday because I don't think that people should always expect twice as much output from me as from everyone else!

I mean I know I'm a workaholic but why can't I for a change do the work that I am paid for and not too much more?

I'll admit that I'm tired. But not burned out - rather realizing that I need to make life broader and more rich.

Well that was a long, long story to introduce the story that D. insisted on taking me out for dinner last night. He does this all the time, actually, but I always tell him that I'm too tired on Fridays (which I am).

I agreed last night and had a lovely time. D. has this philosophy that he told me about and which I think should be the philosophy of every human being with the resources for it to be so.

D. told me that when he was young he was a bit of a selfish jerk. He's a very cute guy with a great personality and a good brain. I can see how his ego might have taken over when in his teens. I'm sure that he had girls drooling all over him. I think he was a soccer star too - played on the national junior team, yadda yadda.

But what D said next stopped me in my tracks. A few times when he has taken me for coffee at work he has said to me, "It's your day today!"

And I have always thought, "OK, whatever."

But do you know what he said last night?

He said that he made a decision when he was in his early 20s - when he found out that a whole bunch of people in his small town hated him because of things he'd done to them as a teenager - that in the future he'd always dedicate himself to other people. So each day he chooses someone else to whom to dedicate the day. For a long time it was his girlfriend L, and I suppose that recently it has been his other girlfriend L.

But yesterday it was me. And I don't think that there is much more special thing than someone saying that you're special and that they want to cherish this particular day by spending it with you. And I don't just mean spending it with you, but focusing it on you.

I think that D has given me my new philosophy! Of course occasionally we need to dedicate days to ourselves as well. And that's part of the process.

But I think it's the consciousness of the whole thing that makes me think it is a beautiful way to live. As I've said many times before - and need to remind myself on this day today on which I feel lonely and sad that I don't have a partner - that the secret to living well is to always pay attention.

No need for sadness here, at least not now. :)

Anyhow.

But the worst thing that Dan said to me was this: You might be intimidating to them. THe first couple of times I met you I was intimidated. (He was surprised when I mentioned that I hadn't been asked out in a long while and that it was distressing to me, and he first said something to the effect that he was surprised as seem nice when people meet me and that I have a good sense of humour...but then he mused and mentioned the intimidation bit.)

Just as Matthew said a year ago - that there had been guys at school who had wanted to ask me out but who were intimidated.

I really don't get it. I'm funny and friendly and quite average- looking. ARGHHHHHH.

I'm going to have to get flirting/openness lessons I think, much as I dislike it. Or I suppose the alternative is to start asking guys out myself. But I'm SOOOOO uncomfortable with this.

10:57 a.m. - 2007-11-03

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