enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh
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THINKING, WRIT LARGE
At work until 9 p.m. today!
Not a good show, not a good show.
I DOOOOO hope that things will improve in my new workplace.
I still haven't told them that I am leaving. They will be utterly screwed without me. They're honestly going to have to start asking people in our shop with no quantitative skills to start making up numbers for the Mnster.
It's really not. good.
But I suppose that that is not my problem and I shouldn't get too upset about it.
But I feel so guilty.
Although my new boss understands and showed a fine degree of liberality in setting a start date three and a half weeks hence.
Speaking of my new boss, I was a little bit embarrassed and more than a little bit flabbergasted today when he called to tell me that he is so excited to have me come and work for him and that the other guys in the unit (he named them one by one) were also SO excited to have me come and work with them.
Seriously, I am scratching my head on this one.
I am not 1)a Nobel laureate; 2) particularly great at anything at all; 3) a playboy bunny.
Honestly, I just don't get it. And my boss upon meeting did not give me the impression of being excessive with praise.
And they're all married guys and francophones so...I just don't get it.
Maybe I have a nicer ass than I think I do.
Or something.
Or, dare I conclude this, my job is so shitty that they haven't been able to find anyone else to do it?
Glug.
Oh well. What's done is done. There's no room for thinking now.
And speaking of thinking, the most amazing thing happened today. I finally managed to slip away for a few hours to the data centre with a new program containing 3000 lines of code...
And the darn thing ran through from start to finish. I was sitting with the data centre lady and we pressed the run button and I sat there waiting for errors...but the whole darn thing just processed and we got to the end and seriously...I did not make even ONE mistake.
It's like the time that I got only one wrong on the LSAT.
I am not that clever. I think there was some divine intervention or something. :)
Perhaps borderline Obsessive Compulsion is a useful characteristic, after all! :)
Oh god! I hope that my new office mates don't think I'm the rainman of tax or something..
:(
So what else?
Well that was a bit of levity, but I am not really feeling light or airy at the moment.
Apart from having a 41 year-old friend who is dying of cancer, I am worried about culotte. She is threatening repeatedly to kill herself. There is no reason for her to kill herself.
And the thing is that I can see so clearly why she feels this way and I can't help her.
She is building her self-esteem on what other people do to her, think of her...
I used to do that. All the time.
And i still do it, to some degree.
Only these days I've finally learned that you can't build your life on such a house of cards.
You have to build a foundation that comes only from within.
Because ultimately, no matter how much we might love and how many people might love us, there is a degree to which we are always at risk of being alone.
We need to nurture the strongest spirit.
Sure, I get down these days. I get sad and upset at men who don't show interest and who show the wrong type of interest.
But THANK GOODNESS I have finally started to feel solid in myself. I feel solid in my life, mostly on account of the fact that I am starting to trust that I have skills and intelligence and adaptability.
I always before thought that I was a fraud.
I really did.
But now I see that being good is fine. Not everyone can be "the best."
Everything is right in my universe now. I'm whole and centred.
I just wish that I could pass that faith on to culotte.
***
OH OH OH But before I go... I must tell you that I ran into baldy in the hallway today.
I turned a corner and out of the corner of my eye I could see that he was coming up behind me.
And I walked the length of the corridor feeling that his eyes were burning into my butt.
Sad, but true.
ANd I got to the elevators and there was a table there for this silly charity HAllowe'en-o-gram initiative that one can sign up for to send candy to colleagues...and I stopped to pass comment to one of our admins who was sitting there...and baldy in passing said something about their product placement. Odd.
And anyhow, on my way back about 15 minutes later from where I had been going at the time of the earlier encounter, I ran into him coming in the opposite direction. And I just very conveniently happened to have a huge grin on my face from an interaction with somoene else who had just passed, and so I smiled directly into his face.
Good message, non?
But then I noticed that he always leaves work early - a classic sign that he has kids and a family in general. And the guy is probably just some massive perv who thinks I'm 28 or something.
Honestly, men quite seriously discourage me sometimes.
Oh well. The drama continues. 24 days and counting...
Will she get a date with baldy or will she not? ;)
PS I took the opportunity today to send Hallowe'en-o-grams to my favourite people in the office. To B. it was "to my favourite ghoul." (I mean, when otherwise can you point out such things to your boss? Seriously, so a propos for him, although he will no longer be speaking to me once I tell him that I am departing his team.) To my favourite funny guy D. it was "to my favourite goon...I mean guy in ___". To my favourite girl friend it was a nicer more personal message thanking her for her support and good humour.
And they told me that they are not going to scrimp on the candy. They're going to shower the people with candy! Really, what could tickle me more?
|10:47 p.m. - 2007-10-25
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Come al solito - 2011-04-16 unfettered spending - 2011-04-15 How does it go? - 2011-04-14 Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13 bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08 |