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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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major life and job crossroads

Oh my goodness I am so tired but I have so much to say.

I got the job offer from the Line Dance Dept today. The offer was brief and we're going to discuss further tomorrow afternoon, but still it leaves me with a big decision to make.

I know it sounds weird but all of a sudden the decision has become so difficult. Do you know what happened yesterday? My senior chief transferred me out of the shop of my horrible boss and to my friend B's shop, to do pure research for a while, while also being accessible to him (the senior chief) for special jobs. It's therefore like a special economist position, and would allow me to actually get done some of the work I've been planning - and to initiate more.

And the thing is that I know that B. has a real soft spot for me, but is still a consummate professional, so I know that I'd get good work as well as good treatment. Already, today was worlds better than pretty much every other day there in the last six months.

OUCH.

I'm frightened about the line dance dept. for a variety of reasons, not the least of which being that I would be focused almost exclusively on the labour market impacts of tax, vs. the labour market impacts of everything else.

But at the same time, tax is important and I would be making legislation almost directly. These decisions go directly to the m!nister and not through Cab most of the time. It's quite an honour and a privilege to be chosen to go there. It's a small department and an even smaller shop.

ARGHHHH.

I think the big thing that is holding me back from jumping at going over there is what was stated above - subject area restrictions and fears about my ability to catch on over there and so progress, plus fears about the limitations to my mobility within that department since I am not, for example, a forecaster.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH.

So confused.

The only good thing that I've been realizing at a deep level in the last couple of days - and this is going to shock you - is that I actually am cute.

I never really believe that I am cute and this truly impairs me and confuses me and makes me do dumb things with my hair, but all of a sudden I realize that yes, yes I am not too bad.

I know it sounds strange but it is true. I realized it today because for the FS interviews I went to get three passport pictures taken this morning. I thought I looked perfectly awful and I wasn't going to look at the pictures. But then they were cute!

The other great realization that I have had is that I like the way that I've been focusing my efforts recently. I'm slowly making real, good friends here. I've been patient and it is paying off. I get along marvelously with my colleagues. One of them called me at home on Tuesday night to tell me that he had been talking me up at another department as he wants to move there and would like me to go there with him. He could tell that I've been miserable and he doesn't like the way that my boss has been treating me. This guy is very well-liked and very well-connected and it meant a lot that he would make that special effort. He asked me not to leave our directorate until after he leaves. :)

I am so lucky.

And I'm really excited about volunteering with the Childr3n's Aid Soci3ty. All of these little things - such as this - will gradually contribute to making a life for me here, in this town, finally. I've spent so many years drifting, unconnected. I think that that is changing for me and it feels great.

I sat down with B. this afternoon as well to tell him about the Line Dance job and he gave me an objective perspective on the two choices. He took the time, when he had little to give.

I'm lucky.

I'm saying that over and over and over again. But it is true.

I think the biggest thing I've learned in recent years is that I won't always be happy and I won't always be satisfied that I am moving in the right direction and quickly enough, but that as long as I am patient and authentic in time I will generally land on my feet.

It's OK.

If only I am able to make a decision about this job. :(

And the guy thing....bah...I feel that that is coming. For some strange reason I feel complete and utter peace about it. I feel a bit like the world is starting to open up to me as I open up to it, and that has to bode well for everything else.

Oh! Oh! The big news. I withdrew from the For3ign Service interviews. It was a difficult decision but with the help of C. I decided that at least at this time I really do not want to join the For3ign Service. I think that rooting myself is more in line with what i need at this stage of life. The further and more important point is that it has become clear to me that I want to be an economist for the next few years - and a quantitative one, for now - and I can't do that at For3ign Affairs. They just don't do that kind of work. And trust me I know exactly what I'd be doing if I were to get the job.

So I've taken myself out of having that option. The fewer options right now the better. I need some calm, peace, stability. I need to build myself and my confidence by NOT shaking things up for a change.

As EM Forster said (my favourite line), "Only Connect."

It sounds kind of sad to say, but I almost think that what has happened to me is that I've lost a bit of my idealism. I mean, not entirely - I'm still an idealist, but what I think is good is that I've stopped being unwilling to compromise and wait out the imperfect in the hope that somewhere else there will be something better. I never thought I'd say this, but I think that the best thing that can possibly happen to an idealist is that she loses some of her idealism. It's been crippling to me. So here's to a bit of realism, and a healthy heap of praise for patience. ;)

OH I'm so tired. I'm sure I had interesting things to say but they have all eluded me. :) Until tomorrow.

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11:25 p.m. - 2007-10-18

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