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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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In which I ramble about boring things...

I really shouldn't bother writing an entry. I don't have much to say. But you just never know; I seem always to be able to generate much to say.

Today is a day of baking: bread and pies for the evening party. Although now it will be restricted to bread as I cheated yesterday on account of my sinus headache and bought two pies from the local bakery. The bread I will bake, however--three loaves of my grandmother's traditional cheese and/or onion bread. I will knead out my stresses and my sins in that dough.

Who am I kidding? What sins do I actually have these days? :)

I'm glad to be going to a potluck instead of preparing a full dinner, I think. Although come to think of it I will miss having my own turkey.

The other dimension of the dinner tonight that will be interesting is that the couple who are hosting the party for a group of our friends announced just a couple of days ago that the wife's parents are probably going to be in town and will likely show up for this. This is unusual and particularly surprising since the wife's parents live in Trinidad. I hadn't heard from her that they were in Canada. It's interesting. My mind is ticking and I'm wondering either if they are about to announce a baby or if they are genuinely having marital troubles and the - by all accounts incredibly controlling and nosy mother - has come to set things right. They've certainly been complaining enough about each other and I've been on the listening end of it with each. It's not easy to be friends independently with each member of a couple. :(

The mother typically calls once a week to grill the husband as to whether her daughter has been cooking for and feeding him properly. It's a bit odd. And I've long had the feeling that the wife stayed in Canada following her education at McG!ll largely because she didn't want to return to the mother's sphere of influence. So, gee, yes, I'm looking forward to having dinner with mum!

Anyhow. I guess I shall hope that there is wine! The father was a diplomat and by his daugher's account is a lovely man so I imagine that he will be good company.

Otherwise, I have been thinking quite a bit about the job at the Line Dance Dept. I think it could actually be my dream job. And I'd be stupid not to take it if it is offered (which is by no means a certainty). But at the same time I know that my senior executive will be ticked off and I feel a certain kind of responsibility as I always do, to make my current work more meaningful. The problem is - and I truly HATE this - I've been warned by Benoit and others to avoid criticising my manager.

My manager has managed me horribly--taken me for granted, not completed any of the formal exercises that we are supposed to do to progress my career, and jumped down my throat for things that are not in my sphere of control. She hasn't read the documents that I have prepared for her, which in one instance has led to a long delay for me in receiving access to data necessary for some of my research (and we're not talking about a small delay, but a delay of at least four months). She basically focuses only on the issues/pressures of today - so she uses her staff when she needs them *now*, and otherwise pretty much ignores them.

This is a confusing story, I know, as I've referred to male bosses in the past. It is true. Since my arrival there in May there has been so much change that I have worked in turn for three bosses, without clear direction from any of them but my senior economist. Obviously this explains why I want to go with him to the other department.

All of this can be partially corrected were I to stay, as the senior executive understands that this woman has done nothing for me since I've been under her, and that I would be better situated elsewhere. I'm the last standing soldier in the whole group who has the quantitative and analytical knowledge to handle certain tasks, including the new tax ben3fit (kind of a small version of the US E!TC, but an important negative income-ish tax benefit to have on the books)

It's a weird environment. I'd be perceived as petty were I to complain in a factual and honest way about my boss. This is incredibly stupid and dysfunctional. I know that my endurance and patience with her lack of management has been far greater than it should have been. I don't like to complain. Which means that I should move to a better place. I deserve it. Really, what have they done for me. (And I'll note that the senior executive was surprised that in fact the promotion I was offered last month has not yet gone through, and I took that opportunity to very innocently mention that my manager hadn't said a word about it to me.)

And at the same time I will/would feel very guilty for not giving my senior executive time to improve the situation, which he says he can and will do in order to keep me there.

Anyway. I've realized that work has been stressing my life too much for the last few months. WOrk isn't meant to do that. I need to be happy with not only the actual work but with the environment. I'm skeptical that both can happen there.

If I got the new job what I think I would love most is that I would be working in small a team of five. Four guys and me. I love it. A statistician and four economists. The chief has a Ph.D. in tax and we really got along. The other guy has a Ph.D. in general equilibrium modeling, my senior economist lots of experience in labour supply modeling, and then there would be me.

I must say that for all that I used to criticise economics and economists, I love working as I do. And I'll tell you why: I've come to realize that with economists more than with other types of people in the government you will get a careful but direct answer. Economist-types seem to be very focused. You don't get BS. If anything, you get too much caution. I like this. It's an approach and a language that I respect. And I'm generalizing excessively but I find that economists are focused on the output much more so than on gossip and social networks within the work place. I mean, to some degree these networks are naturally of interest to pure policy wonks, as that is how they get their ideas moved forward. I get that. But I can't imagine compromising the quality of the policy to satisfy my own personal ambition, which I see a lot.

And I've already said too much. So there you go: The sum of the story is that I would like to take the new job but will probably stay where I am out of guilty feelings about leaving them in the lurch and of not giving my senior executive an opportunity to "fix" things. The only bright light in this is that I will inherit some more interesting files when my senior economist leaves.

SO much to think about. Sorry for the boring bits in that. Work is truly so very boring.

I definitely need to think about my long-term plans. In the long term I feel that I need to do something more important and directly useful with my life. I have a feeling that I might become a journalist, or end up working overseas on some project. I really need to find that passion that will carry me forward.

But for now I need to figure out if I am going to go out bike riding with C. I really should--the weather is pleasant and sunny and I shamefully haven't used my new bike at all. I'm feeling so lazy and desirous of sedentary behaviour only, unfortunately...

What else? I'm out of coffee and so truly need to go out to get one.

That's it. I'm troubled by how boring I am today. Let's hope that something interesting happens. :)

PS I watched a cute little French romantic comedy last night: To! et Mo!. It was a bit of fluff but I was rather impressed with the truth of the observations about women in love in it, at least women in love before they've figured out that they deserve to be fully loved in return. ;)

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11:09 a.m. - 2007-10-07

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