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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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turkey day part II

I think that they are smoking something in Rams3y, Minnes0t@. Some guy wrote to me online from there this morning because I'm "drop dead gorgeous."

Enough to overcome 850 km of distance between us, dude?

Men are funny. I no longer care. I'm going to meet the German economist in a week or so and then forget all about it.

On a more positive note, do you know what gives me hope?

Patterning. The fact that our behaviours and reactions are so patterned. On a walk back from the supermarket with C. in the wonderful autumn air, and coming into my apartment to peek at the gorgeous yellow leaves of the tree across the road that are filling the visuals of my front window...I remembered that Thanksgiving weekend makes me happy. It always has, just as surely as Christmas has made me miserable.

Thanksgiving was a happy, easy time in my childhood, when we would visit the cousins and my wonderful great aunts and so be in the more comfortable situation of a family dinner with others than our dysfunctional immediate family. :)

I loved my second cousins when I was a child, and they adored me. They used to play with me and spend their allowances to take me to the fair that would inevitably spring up down the road at Thanksgiving time. I have good memories of those weekends. And because my great-aunt Rhoda was so sweet and would ask me so kindly to play the piano, I didn't even mind those impromptu recitals (unlike the ones at Christmas in which my mother would put me on show).

Ah well, no bitterness. Learning the patterns gives me hope that I can learn new responses to the triggers that sometimes make me unhappy. I have complete control of my brain, I believe. I have complete control if I am willing to expend my fortitude to deny my trained reactions. I can do this, I think. I have the tools now to do this. And it took 37 years.


I think that my wise old friend was correct last year when she said that "37 is the optimal age for a woman."

I'm just old enough to know better and just young enough that I still believe in many of the possibilities of life and for changes in my circumstances. And I'm old and experienced enough to know exactly what people are telling me and why they're telling me it and how to never compromise my dignity.

When I was talking with my executive director the other day near the end of the conversation he sat back and looked at me and said, "You're very mature--not petty like many of the others."

I'm definitely not petty. This is true. I like this about myself. Whether I'm always mature is quite something else. But I took the compliment for what it was, and resolved that I would continue to work towards making it more true in future.

OK. I must check my yeast to see if it is bubbling; bread baking begins...in my absolutely fabulous pink Hello Kitty! apron and high-heeled boots, whilst dancing around to Spanish guitar music, that declares that I am still a child at heart!

You know, perhaps instead of going to Europe for a week in the next month, I should instead buy myself a small piano with a damper... Hmmm....invest in self, I'd say...which would be true, either way.

You know how there is a M@ya Ang3l0u poem about what every woman should have and know? I know, I know, it's a bit cheesy. But I think it would be worthwhile to sit down and write a list of the lessons of the years I've had. It's quite true that you get to a point at which you've figured out a few of the essentials and sometimes it's good to remind oneself of what these are. :) Was it t who said, "I'd tell my younger self that it would all turn out OK"?

I think I'd say that you need to learn to take responsibility for yourself and for your own feelings and reactions.

And I think I'd say, too, that you need to look out for yourself at the same time, as no one else will. But while doing this be dignified and honourable to the best of your abilities, because there's nothing worse than looking back and wishing that your behaviour had been different than it was.

Hmmm...

I'd also say, related to the last point, never burn bridges. It gives one a great feeling to have people come back from the past to say good things about you.

I'd say, too, to always appreciate people when they are in your life. I try to tell C. at least once a week how grateful I am that he is my friend. One only gets a few such friends in a lifetime.

The other thing I've learned is that I don't need much stuff. If I stop and think before I buy I can prevent a lot of waste.

Perhaps the biggest thing I've learned and yet not learned is to take care of the body. I was standing and thinking in gratitude when shopping today that I can buy local and organic food for my body. And if I make the effort I can make healthy, natural food for myself.

Related to this last point, I've learned--my god have I learned--that sleep is very important. I just can't seem to convince myself to follow through on this one. Being a night owl haunts me indeed.

I've learned that noticing other people in public spaces matters, that you can make an old person feel good when you smile at them or strike up a small conversation in a coffee shop or at the market. People are lonely. You can make a small difference by noticing this and reaching out a little, if only by smiling without thinking about it.

And always say thank you. It never hurts.

Oh yeah, and practise forgiveness--of others and of yourself. Still working on that...

That's about it for now. I'm sure there are other things. And by the way, I agree with MA that it's rather nice to have at least one black lace bra, a fantastic outfit that you can put on if called at the last moment to an interview or to a fabulous dinner, and a cordless drill is also indispensable at times. Personally, I've always thought alternately that the pinnacle of independence would involve getting my own chainsaw and cutting my own wood, but I think that that might be a Canadian lumberjill sort of a desire. :) And frankly what would I do with wood, anyhow? Wood smoke is too polluting and in any event bothers my asthma. I will likely not get a wood stove at any point, even one of those newer airtights. SO forget the wood. Although it might be nice just to cut a big pile and have it sitting there in my backyard, as a final nose thumb to my stepfather and all of the other men who over the years have not permitted me to handle any power tools. :)

Oh! Oh! I remembered the most important thing: never let a man influence how you feel about yourself. There's a real disconnect between the me who thinks she might actually be a reasonable choice to be one of the five people modeling national pers. inc. tx policy with a direct line to the mnster, and the woman who let L@rry the loser tell her that there was an OK length that she could cut her hair and a "not OK" length of hair...

Oh the shame...

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2:52 p.m. - 2007-10-07

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