enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm actually a bit in the dumps right now, so please do excuse me.

UGH. It just had to be too good to be true. I asked the guy if he is German and if he is here on a work term, and get this: He is German and he is here on a work term that will last from between 6 months and 2 years at most.

UGH. I've done the long distance thing before and I don't even want to think about getting embroiled in such a thing again. So I'll meet him anyway on October 17 when he gets back, but I'm putting him in the "possible friend" category.

It seriously is very difficult to find someone to date.

As for the job thing, I am very curious as to whether I will get the Line Dance Dept. job. Someone told my senior executive that I was thinking of leaving so he had a panic attack and dragged me into his office to make all sorts of promises to me, and I didn't feel it was safe to tell him anything other than that "other people had been talking to me about jobs," since I don't have the job yet. I hate to be dishonest but that is the way that things are played here. And the promises that he made were good, but do I trust them???

I'm so sick of work drama.

Just learn. to. manage. people.

And my vetted results came back and there was a stupid coding mistake in my file (something as simple as a "." that needs to be changed to a "0" and that changes everything--FRIIIIIIIIGGG!).

So I've ended the week just feeling...sad.

I want my life to be worthwhile, to be making a contribution--however small. I hope at least that I can do something useful in the tutoring with the Childr3n's A!d Society. They are apparently glad to have someone who can tutor math. So I guess I'm goign to be spreading the joys of numeracy. I hope it makes some small impact on someone. :(

In general I find life to be a big disappointment. I want to do things that make me feel productive and that satisfy my curiosity, but the only things that actually seem to do that are the self-directed activities that I do in my own apartment. I mean, even French class is getting a bit dull, as people have no energy I have so much to say but can't because lazy people in the class don't practise and so take forever to go through their exercises. I always feel as though I have to supress myself, hold myself back, be quiet, be still in life. I don't ever feel like I can blossom. I guess that's it.

I hope I get decent sleep tonight and so feel better about life. C. is coming over to drag me out for a run and that should help a bit, too.

7:02 p.m. - 2007-10-05

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