enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So not a good day; please let tomorrow be better...

Today was a bad, bad, bad, very bad, aggressively bad day. Things have become so challenging at work and my boss so unpleasantly demanding that I actually cried at my desk today. And then I proceeded to openly complain about the situation to a few people who stopped by my office. I knew that this was the wrong thing to do--even though I was definitely entitled to my feelings and thoughts--but I did it anyway. And now I'm sitting here paranoid that I am going to be in trouble.

Ah, well, tomorrow is another day. All that I can do is start over.

And after a month of S writing to me every day and me thinking that we had worked it out to continue seeing each other to see if there's anything there...he stopped writing to me.

Why do I always end up in situations that only serve to lower my self-esteem?

My self-esteem is currently in the toilet.

I must figure out how this pattern keeps on repeating itself--it's toxic.

And you know what the worst part of all of this is? I woke up this morning and did *not* want to go to work. And I forced myself to go to work because I thought it would make me feel better about myself.

BUt it didn't.

And I have a feeling that I should have listened to my instincts because I seemed to be in self-sabotage mode today. It would have been better, therefore, to have not gone in and become upset about things. So not good. So not good.

The only bright spot is that two of my friends from another department and two more from my unit asked for my resume so they could circulate it. And one of the guys talked to his new unit and they were interested in me. So I worked up my resume tonight and will ship it around tomorrow.

The sad thing about all of this is that I like the work that I am doing, I like the area. Or at least I would, were my boss not constantly tying my hands in doing the work--and also doing it by snapping at me--and were my senior economist not leaving for another department. Everything is drifting off at the moment.

There is, of course, too, that competition that I interviewed with recently and in which I was apparently successful. So I should not worry. Do not worry, me. Do not worry. Do not worry. Try, at least.

Oh I struggle to stay OK. Seriously.

And did I mention that my stomach is bothering me again horribly tonight. Am I starting to guess that this is stress-related???

Hmmm...

I know that there was something else...

Oh yes, those weird people at Foreign Affairs finally called me back today. A guy had originally called me and I had called him back three times and my calls were never returned--that was about three or four weeks ago. Seriously. And then today a woman called Lydia called me...and then, get this, I called back, got her machine, and...she didn't return my call this afternoon.

It's like the Phantom of the Diplomatic Opera.

The End.

I'm going to go and cry into my pillow now.

11:26 p.m. - 2007-09-25

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