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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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For some reason, today, I feel as though I should be ashamed of myself.

OMG I feel terrible today. I shouldn't be writing about this. I don't need sympathy. I simply need to express it. :)

I think the thing with S. got me down. It reminded me that I am alone--something that I don't always think about.

And spending the afternoon/evening with a glowing poet scientist (glowing with love for his girlfriend of five monts), and hearing him talk about the poetry readings and hiking trips and so on that they have recently enjoyed together...And they are heading off for a week in Chile at the end of the month.

I try not to get depressed when people tell me these thigns, and I AM happy for them. But the thing is that it does get me wondering again if the problem at the root is all ME. Am I in this position because I am not out doing enough, am I not energetic enough, am I too prickly, too uninspiring, too ugly?

Ah, sigh. I feel trapped today. And I feel sad. But that happens sometimes.

Work of course is in the descendent, too. Can one say this?

I spent the entire day today recreating a paper/presentation that I worked on throughout the summer. And the thing is that at this point 1) I don't care about the project; and 2) it makes me angry to even think of it.

I'd love to explain this, but I shouldn't talk about my work much. :)

SIgh. Really, sigh. I'm so exhausted.

I have to tell you--and I have never done this before--but I am seriously contemplating calling in sick tomorrow. I am sick. I am on the edge of burnout, methinks.

OK. That's it. I feel slightly better for having let it out. I just feel so badly about myself. S. has cooled off, in any event, subsequent to our date and conversation on Saturday, so I just feel even worse that I may no longer be wanted at all anyhow...

I'm rambling. I'm going to go and make myself a nice, soothing cup of tea. And I'm going to sit down and try to figure out if there are any active things that I can do to start enjoying my life more. Even if this involves mapping out the jobs that I will apply for and my updated cv.

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6:58 p.m. - 2007-09-24

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