enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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In search of fresh fruit...

Incidentally, I was reading Proust this week and when a girl at work asked me what I've been reading these days I said, "Well, believe it or not, I had a desire to read Proust on Sunday so I picked him up again." And then she said, "Who is Proust? Is he a philosopher?"

Now this woman is in her late 30s and had always seemed fairly wordly and interesting to me so I was rather surprised. But perhaps fewer people know anything about Proust than I had thought?

Not important.

OMG I've been a bad person lately. C. is currently moving and I'm not there. He hired movers, but still. I've just been working so hard lately and have been getting so little sleep that I slept in this morning. I know that he understands. And he doesn't have much to move--just his few student belongings as he hasn't invested in any furniture. He's moving from one apartment in the same building to another, and he didn't unpack much when he moved to the original place in June as a result. I'm justifying. :)

Still, I feel badly about it.

You know, and I'll only say this briefly, work sucks. I like everyone in my office except my immediate boss who is nice and very smart but with whom I simply don't click. She seems to dislike me or think that I have a chip on my shoulder or something, when all that I try to do is to debate my point when she suggests something that I don't think is economically sensible--or at least I want to question things to determine whether they are economically sensible before I put them on paper. Also, I'm still learning the environment.

My feeling has always been that questioning is good, thinking is good. So few people seem to want to do that. They just do what someone else says in order to pacify them. That's not my style. Sometimes I'm wrong, but sometimes I'm right; and I hope that occasionally at least a better product results.

This boss is also way overtaxed so she never responds to my emails or reads my stuff. She seems to have her favourites or to focus on specific priorities and then those things get done while others don't.

I'd like to stay with my current team because I like them, and unfortunately it wouldn't be possible to switch from this boss's supervision to another.

SO if I get offered another job through the process for which I interviewed on Tuesday I'm going to go. I'll feel terrible about leaving my mentor and senior economist here--who got me in in the first place--but I need to feel that there is better communication and better utilization of my skills taking place wherever I'm working. I just don't feel as though I'm permitted to make suggestions or decisions with my current boss. I don't feel permitted to communicate properly.

But live and learn.

SO that was a longer blurb than I'd expected to write. And the interesting thing about it, as always, is that I didn't know that that was how I really felt before I wrote it down!!!

Now THAT'S what diaries are for. (That and to meet the wonderful, interesting, caring and smart ladies whom I've met virtually through this thing.)

So the other weird and niggling thing that happened this week is that the guy who left the message about the interview for the diplomat position has not called back. He left the message a week ago (on Friday), I called on Monday but had to give two phone numbers as my office number was in the process of being changed, then called again on Wednesday because he hadn't called back. I then left it and have been waiting patiently. I don't know what is going on. Many, many people go on holiday at this time of year, particularly in Quebec as the kids went back to school mid-week this week, but you'd think had he been on holiday that his voicemail would have been redirected or something.

Anyhow. I'll hope that I get a call on Monday or sometime soon as I REALLY want to interview for that position. I realized after I got the message that perhaps some of the feeling of usefulness that I am lacking and dreaming of in my life could be achieved through such a career. And since at this point I have just about given up on finding a mate and settling down to have a child in time, I need to redefine my purpose. And I'd be a good diplomat. I always fitted in really well when I worked directly with trade commissioners in various markets. I'm gentle and quiet and communicate well with clients, and I have the numbers savvy to back up my perspective.

SO that was a good self-marketing job!!!

I really CRAAAAAAAAVE fresh fruit and veggies today. I'm going to close my eyes and imagine that I am out in the fields on a farm picking vegetables, since that is as close as I'm going to get to a farm this weekend.

Following fifi, I"m going to buy peaches and make peach crumble today. MMMMMMMMMM.. I'll take some over to the just-moved C., with some ice cream.:)

I've lost my train of thought. Oh yes, vanity must again prevail. I've decided to buy myself a fantastic dress with the extra money that I worked by putting in 14 hours of overtime in the last couple of days.

I know, I know, consumerism is bad. But last weekend I wore my red dvf dress to the art gallery and I had people stopping me on the street telling me how great I looked. (This is suggestive of how boring Ottawa is that a cute red and white silk wrap dress can draw public attention.) I wore the dress again with C. for drinks and food at the M. (my favourite pub) after my interview and test on Tuesday and two guys at the pub came over to tell me they loved my dress. On the way home a flamboyantly gay gentleman on the street likewise stopped us to tell me that "that dress looks SOOOO good on you, darling."

These things never happen to me.

It's not that I want more. But what a feeling of liberty to feel pretty and colourful and completely free. Not like everyone else here in jeans and baby doll tops.

SO I'm going to buy another dress. One with more fall-ish or winter-y colours so that I can wear it with tights and boots in the fall and winter. It will be patterned, even though patterns can be difficult to wear (though part of the fun, for sure). But I need some help with the colour. I'm thinking a bright green. I don't normally wear that colour but I think it's OK with my olive colouring. I look great in red for some reason, and more of a cool red than a tomoto red I think. I also look great in ice blue and ice pink or purple but these are not good colours for winter dresses. Who knows?

You're probably rolling your eyes by now.

But I'm learning to accept that my love of clothes is not only about vanity. I'm just, quite simply, rather aesthetically oriented. I'm particular about setting and colour. I regret to admit that when faced with two copies of the same book I will not buy the one with the ugly cover (usually), even if it is slightly cheaper.

There, I confessed.

So now that I've laid myself bare I'm going to inspect the dresses and decide between a green and black one and a red and black one (I have my reservations about this, too), or a magenta-ish one. THe alternative is a conservative brown with cream and white and black tidbits that looks like an aboriginal pattern. I like the vintage prints.

I'm SO boring. And I SOOOOO need some fresh raspberries. I am going to go out and cherche some.

And may I say again...THANK GOODNESS IT IS A LONG WEEKEND??? Working in Quebec and not having a long weekend between July 1 and September 1 is dreadful. We need more holidays, darnit. I do miss the August civic holiday...

11:37 a.m. - 2007-09-01

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