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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Calling for inspiration

I've been working SO hard lately. And working hard always makes me too emotionally tired to do anything but hole up in my apartment of an evening.

I'm happy in this equilibrium, but if I'm ever going to meet someone and get a life, unfortunately I'm going to have to kick myself out of my shell again.

It's so difficult for me.

I'm such a classic introvert that it hurts. At work I'm "on" for 9-10 hours a day. People come to me for advice, jokes, fun. I have a steady stream of people asking for information coming through my office. In the few hours after they've left I do my programming or other tasks that require complete silence. I have an equilibrium.

And then I get home and the only person whom I'm willing to see is C. for a brief run. We've formed this pattern.

And it's just about as good for my sex life as was the period during our thesis work in which we basically spent all of our time in our apartment in Montreal. Other than when we were running.

I have had an online profile up for the last month or so. And there has been no shortage of takers. Four of them, in fact, seemed like very eligible and interesting guys. And I haven't been able to bring myself to meet any of them. I'm feeling too tired, it feels degrading to meet someone whom you've met online. So I told three of them no and explained that it was not them but rather simple equivocation about the process on my part.

The fourth one I will probably meet for coffee sometime, as we've already discussed the fact that since he's very Quebecois and I'm very anglo-Torontonian, we're not likely to have the potential for a long-term relationship. He seems like a very nice person and someone whom I wouldn't mind having for a friend.

If I can bring myself to actually undertake to have coffee with him.

Bottom line is that I think I'm going to stop thinking about it. Maybe some of us really were just born to live alone, to be nobody's mother. Maybe that's just the way it is.

OK. Well I suppose I can go out for a walk, read a book, buy some cheese.

By the way, is there such a thing as cheese-o-holics anonymous?

I doubt that I desire to hear the answer. :)

Poet scientist and his lovely girlfriend Susan and I are meeting to watch Casablanca on a movie screen in the park tonight. So at least I'll have an opportunity to observe how the other half live and perhaps rethink today's conclusions about dating.

I just don't know. That's the problem. I want to be struck by lightning as I was when I met Andrew--with his kind heart, his brilliant mind, his creative chops, his poet blouses and foppy hair, his fabulous quirky resistence of fixity...I often think that there is no one else out there like him.

And I'd be correct.

The problem, really, I suspect, is that apart from building and living--finally--a stable financial life, I don't currently have a Grand Passion. You know--the way that I did when I was running.

Life is ticking along and I don't feel like the Full Me. I won't feel like the Full Me until I am again on a dream chase, a quest.

I'm going to go down to the market today to sign up for a fall art class though, so that is good. And I will likely go on a ride in the hills tomorrow on my new bike. SOmething will emerge. I'm hopeful. I'll be inspired...somehow. :)

Have I happened to mention that I have an immediate boss who in a meeting the other day described one of the programs over which we preside in the following way: "Everyone knows that that program sucks donkey dick!"

Double take.

So do you know what I responded as the others sat in stunned silence?

"Well, that's a mouthful."

It's a really good thing that I have a cute smirk and a pixie hair cut.

;)

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11:35 a.m. - 2007-08-11

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