Photobucket

enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You must jump. Just jump.

I've been very busy at work in the last few days. I've taken over my former boss's projects whilst he is away on vacation.

Fortunately my attitude has shifted from that of last week ("EEEEEEEEK. How will I ever get this done?") to "I will never get this done so...whatever."

I've been working calmly and peacefully.

And I've been very productive. Go figure.

Though I'm having trouble getting started this morning (and so am writing here), and I REALLY wish that people would stop with the COMING BY MY OFFICE UNANNOUNCED stuff. :)

So last night I sad screw it to the severe thunderstorm watch that was in effect (Environment Canada is ALWAYS wrong, anyhow) and I joined up with the canoe club.

It was fantastic. We went out to Me3ch Lake in the Gatin3aus and canoed across the lake for a dinner picnic. Some of us then did a mile or so swim out to and around an island. There were still a few yellow water lilies on the water, and as I swam through the little inlet facing the back side of the island I was accompanied by a loon.

(I do mean loon and not looney, as you are forgiven for believing I might be (loonie is and always will be only a coin ;)). :))

What a lovely evening. How many times do I need to be reminded that I am a nature girl? I miss our family cottage that is no more. I miss my parents' home in the Haliburton Highlands that is no more. I need to buy a little piece of land in the woods, on a lake. Who cares about the running water and facilities? I will sleep out under the stars. I think next summer I will buy this piece of beautiful land and you are all invited to visit!

Hmm...So leaping is good. Alex, the poet scientist was there.

And I can be accused of being attracted to him now that he is involved in a relationship.

I would never do anything about this, of course, and I am not/never a flirt.

The thing is that I am attracted to him now because what he lacked before was happiness and confidence. His new relationship has taken the edge of clear desperation from him and made him happy. He is, therefore, glowingly attractive now.

And I say, "Good for you, Alex. I am glad that you are happy!"

And I mean it. He's a good man and he deserves it.

And, really, there must be someone nice out there for me...somewhere.

On the way to the lake--my ride was with a looney but amusing real estate agent with four sons and who is living with his parents following his divorce and who volunteers with just about every club and festival in Ottawa--I saw a super-fit couple on bicycles and I sighed and thought, "Yes. That's it. I want that."

I ran 25 km on Sunday. Did I mention that?

I realized that veering so far away from my running habits has probably fed my malaise of late. My body has been in withdrawal, no doubt--from the endorphins and cycles of energy dissipation and redevelopment.

So I'm going to rebuild myself and let myself go concurrently.

I jumped into the lake last night. I was eager. And I didn't care that my crazy, wavy hair would be wild upon exit. And, get this, I actually let myself be seen at a bar on the hip street on which Larry hangs out, following the canoeing--in my bathing suit with a tank top and loose pants, running shoes, crazy hair, no makeup...

Now this is bold for me.

I haven't yet encountered Larry and his pretty young thing since we last coffeed in May. And I've experienced more than a little bit of anxiety over it, to be sure.

But I think I'm gradually coming to peace with it and with myself.

Healing takes time. But it's well worth the effort and I'm glad that I've been facing my demons face first. It feels so liberating and wonderful to put my own unmasked body out there to just be itself and to be at peace. I no longer want to care what others think of it.

I'm definitely, truly on the mend now.

|

9:51 a.m. - 2007-07-19

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

Come al solito - 2011-04-16
unfettered spending - 2011-04-15
How does it go? - 2011-04-14
Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13
bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08