enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'd like to be at the seaside.

ACK. I loathe these cycles. I feel depressed and barely functioning and yet I consciously know that I should be happy and grateful for the life that I have and I feel even WORSE about myself and my life as a result of this knowledge.

Bad habits and depression STINK.

I need a solution.

I'm so frustrated.

I had a terrible, TERRIBLE day at work today. But I don't want to write about it.

I tossed and turned all of last night--another symptom of my anxiety and one that of course did not benefit me in my work today--sweating and patently aware of every passing hour.

THese are the worst nights. The girl at the video store commiserated with me. I had gone for months without renting much and lately I've been on a non-stop rental plan. Every three days three movies. Lately Middle Eastern flicks. Tonight, as noted astutely by the video store clerk, I'm having an "AWWW" night. I rented only films in English and with a decidedly romantic/easy-watching taint.

I'm also cooking at the moment, in spite of the fact that it is late at night. C. dragged me out for a wee jog tonight and reminded me yet again that I NEED TO EAT and take my vitamins.

Not doing so of course makes things worse. I just can't seem to remember this, or at least to remember to marshall all remaining energies when I feel this way to do the right things.

Would that I could be almost anyone but me sometimes...Dinner calls.

10:33 p.m. - 2007-07-12

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