enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Laundry list of weekend activities. Yes, it is as exciting an entry as this desicription suggests...

So I reread my entry from yesterday and MY GOD you'd think from my writings of the past few months that all I ever think about--consciously or unconsciously--is my appearance!

I can assure you that that is not the case. :)

In actual fact, lately I've mostly been obsessed with getting a life. Any life. Now that the hair is gone I rarely think about it, for example. It's wash and go. And in the summer I throw on a tank top and a skirt and I'm good to go.

I've been worrying a bit about my health. I think I alluded to this or wrote outright that the doctor whom I was able to get this week was not overly helpful with respect to my current "issues."

Oh yes I was starting to write about this yesterday when I was cut off...

Oops...

So what happened is essentially that he refused to give me a referral so that counseling services could be paid for by my insurance. His issue is that 20% of this town is on anti-depressants because the government pays for counseling and other mental health services. He believes that most of these people do not need to be on medication.

Of course, he is correct. And I don't want to go on medication. And there is a big part of me--because of the way that I was raised--that believes that I should simply be able to pull myself up by my bootstraps. But...

I don't know. It's rather discouraging. I'm gradually solving my own problems by getting out and joining things, making the effort to connect and reconnect with friends, etc., etc. But I suspect nevertheless that counseling could help me to move forward more effectively. I've been held back by the same issues for so long. Why did Doctor Difficult need to exercise his resistance to the system whilst on my case?

I joined the canoe club this week, as I mentioned on Saturday. The people whom I met there were extremely nice, albeit somewhat nerdy. Nerdy is rather nice, of course. :)

What's not to like about a club with the aim of organizing "environmentally sound recreational activities"?

I'm excited.

And I received the package with the pictures of my World Vision child this past week as well. Unfortunately I had the horrible task before me mid-week of calling to tell them that they had given me a boy when I had requested a girl. I felt SOOOOOO terrible calling them to switch; all children are important. I simply like the idea of sending a girl in Africa to school-- I believe so fully in the critical role that women play in economic development. And fortunately the woman assured me that because I am not making my first payment until the end of July the boy had not been informed of his having been sponsored and then not. His face haunts me though. Hmmm...

And what else? Oh yes, I mentioned this, but my job has really been the pits of late. I'm determined not to focus on it, nevertheless; I'm merely going to hope and presume that I'll ride out this wave as all others.

If there's one lesson in life that I need to learn it is to just let go.

Just let go.

Three simple words that together are oh-so-difficult to put into practise.

So this is going to progress now into a laundry list of what I did or did not do this weekend...

I'm rather disappointed in myself for not following through with the activities that I'd planned for this weekend.

For example, I was meant to go to the National Art Gall3ry to see the R3noir Landscapes exhibit. I do want to see it. The deterrent was that I was supposed to go with a guy who I am fairly certain is interested in me and I'm trying to avoid dealing with this at the moment. Avoidance is not good.

And I was supposed to go on a walking studio tour today in another part of the city. I would have enjoyed it, only I was too lazy to get up and go. In my defense, the weather has been dreary, cool and rainy this weekend--hardly inspiring. Still, I'm disappointed in myself for not forcing myself out...

What I did do this weekend--and it's more than I have been doing of late so I'm trying to applaud myself--is 1) run twice; 2) watch movies; 3) clean my apartment and finally organize my clothes; 4) cook and eat several proper meals and prepare lunch for work tomorrow; 5) go shopping for and buy those pesky items that I've been missing but have been impatient about seeking, e.g. a new t-back nude bra and a proper swimming bathing suit; 6) go to the bookstore and BUY MYSELF A FUN BOOK.

The book thing is a big one. Since I've been going through this horrible period of malaise I have not been reading. For me this is pretty much the first sign that I'm in bad shape in my life. If I can't find pleasure in reading there's a problem. A big problem. (If I were to cease watching at least the occasional art film I'd know that I was nearing the end...)

So I took my lazy self to the bookstore. I struggled whilst there to decide on a book to buy. I ended up walking out with Ches!l Beach. Short and sweet and unlikely to be too painful. It's a first step. It's week 1 of my "rescue myself" endeavours, after all. Next week I'll go back again and will be more adventurous. :)

And today C. invited me out to have lunch with one of his friends whom I've never met and the friend's girlfriend. The guy is an intellectual property lawyer and the woman has a PhD in neuroscience and examines patents for a living. An interesting pair. And oh so young and in love that I had to fight from feeling badly about myself. But I consciously fought the "comparison-itis" and I emerged unscathed. They are a lovely couple and it was an interesting lunch.

That was terribly dull. I'm trying to think of something amusing to say but my life is simply not terribly amusing at the moment.

I suppose the only amusing thing--and you'll have to picture this--is that C and I chased each other around a large bush tonight on our run. I'm kind of silly in this way. He's hung over from a night out at party last night and so I encouraged him to sweat it out with me on a run this evening. We cut through a long valley park that cuts a swath through a centretown neighbourhood and on the way back I had the impulse to run mad circles around a giant bush that we encountered. Pretty soon C was chasing me around this 6m-wide bush and we were laughing our asses off. It was rather amusing.

Ah well. You only live once.

And I finished watching Altm@n's Vincent and Theo, about van Gogh and his brother. Highly amusing and, well...earthy. If you haven't seen it I highly recommend it, particularly if you are interested in seeing a period movie that actually depicts someone squatting on a chamber pot. Like I said-- earthy. The movie falls apart about 3/4 of the way through but the music--difficult to describe but modern and harsh and atonal-- and T!m Roth's performance are worth the price of admission...

Well, I've trespassed on Internet time long enough.

I swear that I am working hard to come back as an amusing me! I want the real me back as much as does anyone...It saddens me to see myself so mopey and uninteresting to be around.

Oh yes--A is in town from New York this week! I miss A! I'm looking forward to spending time with him. The perfect antidote for depression is the comfort of a kindly long-time friend. I'm a lucky woman.

8:55 p.m. - 2007-07-08

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