enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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At home inside this weekend. But I might be able to go out.

So the toughest part of life is figuring out that you have a serious problem and that you can't solve the problem all on your own. Or at least that the problem will take a long time and lots of patience to resolve.

My friend Cynthia has been very helpful in this. She keeps on telling me that there is nothing wrong with me, simply that I need to learn how to "get out of my own way."

And she's right--I've been sabotaging myself for a long time because on such a deep level I feel I deserve it.

I talked to my mom today. And it was difficult. We haven't talked on the phone much in the last six months. It's simply because she makes me feel badly about myself. She's done that all my life. And I need to cut that negativity out.

I need to get the critical voices out of my head. I can't have my mom in my life and do that. I hope that one day I can be strong enough that I can give a spot at the table back to her. But I have to be honest with myself that she's unlikely to change.

Life is so difficult. You know, I've avoided writing about these issues, even though they've always been under the surface. I'd written a narrative for myself that I'd thought other people would want to hear. I didn't want to turn people off by presenting rotting, ugly things.

But the thing is that when you talk to enough people you realize that under the surface for most people are ugly, rotting things.

My friend Ava, for example, is the paragon of calm and tranquility. She seems very well-adjusted.

And I think she is. But her mother is crazy and made her crazy growing up. Her mother is always in a fued with someone or other.

I thought that Ava was just good at separating herself from this in an emotional sense.

And then I realized something: Ava moved countries. She'll likely never again see her parents other than on yearly holidays.

There's something to this. Sometimes we need to free ourselves to have more restricted relationships than we would like.

I'd like to be someone with a Hallmark family. In spite of everything, I love them. I've always been open and forgiving and endlessly hopeful. I am filled with love.

But you realize at some point that giving people love when they either can't or won't give it back to you isn't making you stronger. And there comes a point when you realize that even if they are blood you have to accept that they have been cruel to you and will never change. You just can't keep on going back for more, hoping that one day it will look and sound different.

One day you have to stand up and admit what you've always been ashamed of--that your family is a mess. You have to admit the abuse to get free of it. And you have to admit the sadness to relase yourself from it.

When I visited the therapist she said one and only one substantial thing: You're a very, very sad girl. Inside you're so unbelievably sad. You can pretend on the surface all you like that you are good and fine and happy and people will be attracted to this...until they figure out that this is a facade.

So the trick is to dig out the sadness and expose it to sunlight. It's "I would write my hate on ice and wait for the sun to show."

I would paint my sadness on every surface that I can find, to diffuse its power.

***
So on a more positive note I will admit that today is a great day: Claus is moving to Ottawa!!

I love Claus.

And this brings me to a further good point: I've realized that you can build a life of love and trust that has no relationship to blood. It takes longer and it's riskier in a way but it is a fine substitute. It is a better than fine substitute.

Today is a new today. Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight I'll meet A and S for poetry. Tonight I'll meet Ava and M for dinner. Tonight I'll be a brand new me, looking out at the world with eyes happy to great a new perspective.

And I refuse to be afraid.

4:16 p.m. - 2007-06-23

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