enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I NEED SLEEP

Hey all!

OK. So I don't have the solutions to all problems of life but I'm feeling better. And I really think I'm on the right track this time.

I'm taking every fucking constructive step I can take to dig myself once and for all out of not believing that I am good enough.

I'm talking to people. I'm going out and taking every opportunity that I can find to be involved.

I haven't found the perfect set of activities yet, but I'm seeking information.

Last night I went out with Alex and his new girlfriend and they were so nice and helpful and engaged with so many things that I felt a million times better already.

There ARE good people out there who want to save other people as well. Susan--ALex's girlfriend--said something so wonderful last night. She said it's like a chain--you build yourself up and then when you have the strength you give someone else a hand up. She said that everyone in my age group who makes a dramatic move goes through something like this. It's tough to make new friends and get connected in your thirties. Other people have obligations and have experienced lifestyle shifts, etc., etc.

And gradually--gradually--I am really starting to accept what an ass Larry was/is. And I'm feeling ashamed and embarrassed that I ever dated him or felt badly that he didn't love me.

How stupid. He's an idiot. He's a bit of a jackass, really.

UGH. I'm amazed at my stupidity sometimes.

I just get stuck in these mind loops.

So I went to see a counselor yesterday. I didn't particularly like the woman--what's to like about a woman who is a bit stuffy and who paints on her own eyebrows and has her hair pulled back so taughtly her eyes look they're going to pop out of her head.

I mean, I didn't dislike everythign about her. SHe was pretty forthright. And she made a referral to another counselor--they have to do that, for some reason.

I'm going to go. I've figured out that my problem is that I spend all of my life trying to analyse my problems in the way that I analyze everything--I am an economist by profession, after all--and you can't analyze away a hole in your heart.

My problem is that I KNOW all of the right things. I simply don't FEEL all of the right things. I was hurt and didn't feel loved as a child. So in my heart I feel unloved and unloveable. I know this. I have to work on changing the way that I feel about myself. I need to change my emotional reactions. I can't think my way out of that one.

THat's about it. I'm good. I'm happy. Well except that I got ripped off on ebay. But anyhow. Let's not go there.

Life is ticking along and I have a feeling that once and for all I might one day really be able to LIVE.

I also should report that I like the short hair, on balance. I feel like a pixie. And other people seem to like it. Perhaps because I find myself fussing with it not at all and smiling more. I feel free and fresh with it. The only issue is that the hair is short but not so short that it isn't rapidly becoming unruly. I have rather wavy hair when it is allowed to be.

6:47 p.m. - 2007-06-21

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