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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Please let hope bear fruit.

So I just deleted the entry from earlier today and it felt good. I need to delete all things L. It's time. It's really time.

Oh good grief it has been a long day.

I just don't understand why it is that I can't get myself out of the "L loop." He's just so irrelevant. As is anyone with whom he would take up. I don't even respect him fully--he's not a completely good person.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Seriously. I'm almost laughing at myself at the moment because the feeling loop that I've found myself in is so contrary to everything that I am and that I believe in.

I know better. And everything else is OK. This sinking must stop. It must stop.

Last night my friends called me to invite me out for drinks. I got the call late but I could have gone anyhow and didn't.

And today the poet scientist called to invite me to meet him and his new girlfriend for a gallery tour. I got that message too late but still I could have run out and tried to intercept them. And I didn't.

And I didn't pick up the phone when someone called me from a payphone--it could have been the cute guy from work and it could have been another friend from Montreal with whom I've been rekindling an acquaintance.

So I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm alone and yet I've been actively avoiding going out.

This must stop.

I've decided that I must commit to something. So I'm going to try to find a creative writing course or something.

And I'm going to find someone to talk with. And heck--what the heck--maybe I'll try to take some medication or something. I've never felt that that is the solution for the very identifiable issues that haunt me, but perhaps this is a time in which I would benefit from taking that approach. Like I said, I really can't stay in this mental loop for another minute. It's destroying my peace of mind.

OK. More than anything I need to eat and I need to sleep. Why do I continually forget these things?

I'm making a pact with myself tonight--yet again--to get out of this loop. NO more drama is permitted in my life. I'm going to embrace the wonderful friendships that I'm blessed with and remember that these are enough.

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1:14 a.m. - 2007-06-17

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