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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I can have most everything I need and still not be happy. ARGHH...

So I REALLY shouldn't be writing this entry. But I need to get this down.

I am DOWN.

I know that it is partly hormones talking. I'm getting my period. Just about this instant. And I always have a bad, bad day just before that happens.

Plus, and I don't mean to gross you out or anything, but I've been having extreme stomach/intestinal discomfort lately that has left me sans appetite and I think that I have irritable bowel syndrome.

I promise that I will never mention that again. The thign is that I haven't been eating much because every time I do my abdomen feels uncomfortable and I feel awful. It seems to have finally put itself on pause, fortunately, so I should be able to eat tonight.

I know, I know, I should go to a doctor.

The more important thing though is my state of mind. I get myself into these cycles of feeling like things will never get better for me, when I know in my heart that I simply must get out there and work harder at getting some new interests and new friends.

And really, I have nothing to complain about--I've already been invited out for tomorrow night and Sunday night and turned down drinks with the cute guy from work (it's his birthday) and some other colleagues tonight. (I felt that things could get MESSY and I don't want that with...colleagues.)

I shouldn't complain. And yet I went out tonight to drop off my videos, spent half an hour perusing the store only to rent another video for my lonely self to watch, crossed the street to the grocery store and bought groceries in the way that only a lonely single person can buy groceries late on a warm spring evening when everyone else is hanging out with a boyfriend...and I felt so sad.

On my way home from this particular store I pass the corner on which the pub sits at which Larry and I spent many an hour last fall. Just hearing the buzz of people on the rooftop patio made me feel SOOO sad tonight--I actually felt like throwing my hands up in the air and declaring defeat in the ambition of ever being happy and feeling loved.

And it's not about Larry anymore, per se. It's about the fact that when I met him and we had those intimate little chats on in the corner of the main room of that pub I felt hopeful. I felt the prettiest that I have felt in years and I felt that I might actually have a nice boyfriend with whom to spend time come summer.

And now it's summer and I'm all alone. And Larry's probably with some pretty girl somewhere having a nice time...

And I feel ugly. I'd forgotten how short hair is only cool for a few days and then you wish you just had your long hair back so that you could put it up in a ponytail or something.

But it's all done now and I am ugly and I just have to live with it.

I'm sorry for feeling sorry for myself. It's extremely pathetic, I realize. I have a home, a job, reasonably good health...and plenty of people who love me. But I do feel sorry for myself. I feel so lonely in a deep and rather pathetic way-- the way that I imagine only a single 37-year-old woman who can't even own a pet due to her landlord's restrictions can feel.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I felt kind of barren of hope.

I hope this doesn't last.

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10:39 p.m. - 2007-06-11

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