enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Just a tiny bit gloomy, I'm afraid. But it's time to run and then watch a lovely movie. :)

I definitely shouldn't write this. But I will, anyhow. It's my diary, after all.

I'm feeling a bit lonely and dissatisfied.

I spent the afternoon reading the blog of a girl who spent last year working for the UNHCR in Rwanda. It was well-written and detailed and subtle and humane.

It made me want to cry almost with despair at the relative triviality of my life.

I need something more. I'm not saying that I'm going to run off to Rwanda. What good would I be to them, anyhow?

But I do wish that I were something useful, could be useful to someone.

I know, I know, I'm defining policy for Canadians. I guess that's something. And I know full well that one can make a huge difference in life by reaching out to those in one's own community, at one's own back door.

I need to settle myself somehow.

But sometimes I just feel so lonely. I'm starting to feel the insularity of Ottawa. You wouldn't think that it would be this way but in spite of its international visitors and worldly set it's truly a small city. Most people are very narrow in their perspectives. I mean, a guy recently asked me if I was worried that people would ask me if I am a lesbian if I cut my hair short.

In fact, and I'm ashamed to admit that I dated someone like this: Larry told me at one point, gesturing to the length of my hair, that shoulder length was OK, but anything above...was not.

I think the feelings of being rejected and not feeling good enough I let control me to the point at which I became crazy over the hair.

And the truth is that now that it is gone...I feel like exactly the same me as I did before. Only I'm happier, since it takes me five minutes to wash and style myself in the morning.

I need to re-empower myself by not requiring notice or attention to feel attractive.

But enough of that, and abstracting completely from the attractiveness foolishness, I need to feel useful.

I don't want to change jobs. I've worked so long and hard to get to a point at which I felt I was in a good environment with good colleagues and with a good career future. I've found a nice place and I'd be a fool to give it up.

But I'm not fully satisfied. I'm reading. I'm starting to draw again, and I'm spending time with the few friends whom I have here. But I still feel incomplete. I need those elusive additional activities, perhaps voluntary, that will nudge my life from just OK to fulfilling.

I'm lonely, truth be told.

Ava and I decided to cancel plans last night as she is burned out and we were both a little bit trepidatious about the tornado watch that was in effect. And she and M are busy this weekend.

I spent a nice afternoon reading various papers and talking on the phone with C.

But I'd like to have someone with whom to watch a movie tonight--and I'm not speaking romantically, here--or with whom to stroll the city.

I've definitely wearied of online dating. The people who have been contacting me of late are creepy or unchallenging, or clearly primarily interested in me as they are attracted to my pictures. I'm just not sensing any connections whatsoever. More importantly, I just don't want to meet people artificially anymore. So I've deleted my profiles. I haven't been on a date with anyone in months, anyhow; I've clearly been uninterested.

Dating is really far from my mind.

And I've been thinking a great deal about the running club. After all of that hype, my gut is telling me not to run with them. The training that they are doing is not healthy training, and it's on pavement. I've never done my hard training consistently on pavement. I'd just end up stiff or injured. Or both. I know better than this. So I need now to break it to the coach...

More importantly, and this speaks to the general feeling of dissatisfaction that I'm experiencing, when I was at the running club on Thursday and listening to the shop talk of the girls about this athlete or that athlete--some of it quite cutting--I kept on feeling something I'd not felt before. It was that my love of the sport wouldn't make up for the egos and the nonsense that one must tolerate when training with a competitive group. It all seemed quite shallow...and dull. I'm sure that many of the girls are nice--one of the girls seemed quite friendly and pleasant--but on balance there was something decidedly negative in the air. When I first arrived I smiled and said hi to someone who intentionally didn't acknowledge me. But later, when she found out who I was from the coach, she was friendly enough.

Enough of that. I guess I'm feeling adrift, as I have often felt in my life.

If I'm honest it's simply that I'm craving something deeeeep. I miss my deep friendships--my life's kindred spirits. Sometimes I get so hungry and wishful that there were more of them out there and that they were more readily identifiable in the crowds of faces that pass me on the street each day.

Oh well. In time, more friends will come.

Oh yes! I should really not look a gift horse in the mouth. The very cute guy whom I'd mentioned had asked me for coffee at work the other day has been emailing me repeatedly. There's a particular depth to our email exchanges...It's a strange situation though as I have absolutely no romantic intentions with him. I would if circumstances were different, but he's in the midst of the breakup of an eight year relationship, and his girlfriend has not yet moved out of their apartment.

Seriously, I am so not into being into a guy sorting through something like that.

As I've noted before, anyhow, I feel completely uninterested in dating right now. I know I've mentioned that repeatedly, but I'm mentioning it now as I'm quite surprised--pleasantly, I might add--at my steadfastness in this. I feel an urgency to 'fix' other issues first.

Well that was a long and meandering post. I do hope you'll forgive me my self-indulgence!

And do take vitamin D if you're not getting enough. Apparently the Canadian government has decided that the evidence is strong enough that good quantities of vitamin D can reduce cancer risks significantly that they've made a public recommendation to the effect. Recommended is approximately 1000 IUs per day, less I suppose in summer.

8:54 p.m. - 2007-06-09

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell