enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Must stop eating chocolate. I hope this is hormones..

I'm still doing well, never fear.

But Larry made me cry again today.

Damn it. Why does he always get under my skin?

He wrote me a note last night. And at once it was maddeningly frustrating and poignantly sweet.

He has this way of criticizing me just as he's telling me how AWESOME I am (in spite of the fact that he doesn't want to be with me). It's an art. It's the definition of passive aggressive.

He's hiding from his own problems.

I was not going to write to him and then I got up this morning and I felt angry...So I lashed out at him about his mail today and then afterwards I have NEVER FELT WORSE. I hate lashing out at people. He seems so vulnerable and weak in spite of his tough exterior, and I went in for the jugular.

The problem with me is that I watch and think enough--the overanalyzing that Larry hates so much--and so I know exactly how to find each person's weak spot.

I almost never lash out at anyone about anything. I hate being unkind.

I used to be unkind to my brother when I was young, and at the occasional school chum who crossed me. This is how I know my evil power in this area. My mother used to say that I could wield my tongue like a sword when I chose. She made me feel so badly about one or two of the things that I said to truly decimate the weak when I was kid that I have almost never taken my tongue out since.

I hope I never do again.

Winning isn't fun when you hurt people.

And what's the point, anyhow? What's the positive outcome?

I basically told Larry--which is true--that he has become completely complacent in his professional life and utterly unwilling to face what is holding him back from having any kind of an intimate relationship and from moving forward in his life. And I know--I know--that this will have hurt him enormously. The way that I wrote it and the fact that I know these things about him--what he most fears facing and expressing, and what keeps him hiding away with his shallow, "player" friends--will hurt him.

The way that I framed the whole thing will hurt him. I explained to him the ways that he had hurt and used me. I know that this will hurt him too. He has been trying and trying to assuage his guilt on this front and he thinks he's done it. And now he knows otherwise.

I went too far.

But enough of that. I've done my damage for the year. And now I will do my penance.

A movie, tonight. And some stomach tea from Germany. (My stomach has been aching for days and the many peanuts that I just ate are not helping.)

I should talk about the guy who asked me out yesterday, and generally about my fears and hopes regarding work...But I'll leave these things for tomorrow. The dating bit is irrelevant anyhow as I am not going to go. I'm quite serious about taking a long break from dating.

I'm still planning to focus only on fun and art!

There is the cutest orange and white 'Morris' kitty who sits in the dormer window across from my big living room window. The couple living in the apartment are quite discreet and quiet and keep white curtains drawn over their window so the privacy thing is not a big issue. But this cute kitty just stares and stares. He is either a perv or lonely. :) Or maybe he's simply curious. He's a doll. I want to reach over and scoop him up (though the houses are not THAT close together). Figuratively, I want to scoop him up. But then I wouldn't be able to see his little head tilt sideways as he looks at me. My lab at home does that, too.

8:29 p.m. - 2007-05-30

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