enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I bought a tube top today. Can you believe it? Blue. So inappropriate but cute and comfortable.

Oh God, I'm still pining for Larry.

I'm a moron.

You'd really laugh, if you were ever to meet Larry. Apart from a great chest, nice hair (both above and below), and a generally pleasant character, he has little drive or intrigue. And he clearly has little maturity and/or balls. I mean, he's almost 40 and he dumped me by email! The day after I nicely laid out a few small issues that I felt were building in the relationship! A pre-emptive dump!

I'm seriously a loser. I was propositioned, more or less, today, by a wickedly smart and handsome Czech who works in my department and whom I know from the PhD prgs in my former city, but I won't act on it. The unfortunate reality is that he is a friend of C's. And he's very, very helpful to my work because his econometrics and programming skills are outstanding. He's very helpful to me, and I'm afraid that if I sleep with him and it doesn't work out...Well, you understand.

ARGHHHHHHHHHH.

So I wrote a stupid letter to myself at work the other day and never posted it. I hope it helps the healing:
Dear Stephanie,
I want to remind you that you were very lucky to have dated Larry. You learned a great deal from him about yourself, and he never mistreated you. He should have been more brave and bold, but he was a good guy who tried to boost you up rather than the opposite. He always acknowledged your strength and your smarts. He respected you. Of course he also told you that you are an over-reactor, and he dumped you by email rather than face a discussion about why the relationship was not developing. But that was just an incongruence of personalities; he was correct about that. It was as simple as that. And he was right on the money. But it hurt. It definitely hurt. Maybe you�re too difficult to be with. But someone will come along who will not find you too difficult, who will laugh at the difficulties that you pose�both for him and for yourself�and who will value the richness implied by both. Life can be good; it can be better. You just require patience.
S

SO I really need to get funny in this diary again! I am simply not funny these days! Except with guys at work, who seem to be streaming by my cubicle for a chat each day.

Yesterday, a superiorly hot young twenty-something came by to chat. He honestly didn't realize that I am as old as I am. When he found out he seemed a bit put off. I'm going to have to stop being so honest and admitting my work experience to people...

So let me tell you that I know that I haven't been eating enough of late because my breasts have deflated again. I HATE THAT. I mean, how hard is it for a little bit of fat to just hang around my boobs? I run, I get stressed, I eat too little...boobs deflate.

I just don't want to talk about it anymore.

But at least it gives me something to fixate on other than my disgusting poils.

I must read another paper. I'm attempting to come up with an interesting design for an upcoming research project. But it's 10:15. Life is busy.

And my former coach is coming into town tomorrow. I always enjoy a drink with him but I am so not up for another seduction attempt. Old guys ALWAYS seem to hit on me, and this one never fails (kind of like my landlord, who left me a vase with flowers again yesterday, and a card in my mailbox over the weekend inviting me to brunch...which I ignored). They must sniff vulnerability. Hmmm...I think I'm just too smiley. I have to stop smiling so much. It causes too much trouble.

10:02 p.m. - 2007-05-23

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