enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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former boyfriends haunting me

So talk about a blast from the past: I removed some clothing from the closet, only to see a running jacket given to me by S. the ex-fiance, before we parted in 2000.

I haven't worn it since, in part because the attachment to the zipper is missing.

I remember him giving me the jacket. It was when I had first arrived in Australia and things were still good. A huge box of gear had arrived that day from his sponsor; he had so much already that he gave me whatever items I wanted. The jacket is a gorgeous deep blue with good-sized pockets, zipped air vents up top, and subtle gold stripes on the top, back, and bottom. It matched the racing uniform that he wore in that year. The jacket reminds me of him in a visceral way.

It doesn't smell like him: he never wore it. It smells like me. I guess. Mostly it smells like the closet and whatever boxes it has been in.

Really, it smells of the life I once had. But I'm not going to cry...again. My tear ducts have been overused of late. :)

Interestingly, I am about to head out on my first run in quite some time. I'm due to meet with my new club and coach this week and I feel terrible that in fact I am completely unprepared for this. Not running has been part of my sloth of late. Running regularly again will be part of that "engagement with the world" plan that I'm newly putting myself on.

ARGH. C. keeps on telling me to focus on what I have (job, health, home, family, friends), rather than what I don't have (spouse, children, the achievements I once desired). I know that he's exactly correct. Exactly. But it's tough. So tough.

Memories in coolmax and mesh.

9:09 p.m. - 2007-05-21

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