enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Nothing like action as an antidote to inaction.

I'm phenomenally weary at the moment and I've been in pain for the last couple of weeks, intermittently, and suspect that I have an ulcer.

I'm well. I cried my way through yesterday and today and I believe that it is the best thing that I could have done. I wrote all sorts of silly things earlier today that reflected my inner turmoil. I've decided, however, that I do consciously realize that the power to do whatever I want with my life is within me.

I needed to cry yesterday and today because yesterday was the first time that I had seen Larry since early February. We had had one drink, you'll remember, following the email dumping. To that I responded with tears as well.

I was overwhelmed yesterday and today. With the ending of the burgeoning relationship with Stewart last week, and the finality of the very brief and casual encounter with Larry, I turned on myself.

I know exactly from where the problem has arisen, and I know exactly what to do about it. I have a complex about rejection. I know objectively that these two particular men are not a good match for me. But the pain of past rejections has left me unable to effectively deal with what I objectively know. If I'm honest I'll admit that a part of me wanted Larry to fall at my feet yesterday. Instead, he scheduled the long-awaited coffee date to take place at noon at a coffee shop that just so happened to be across the street from the bar at which he was meeting friends to watch the 2 o'clock hockey game. At 1:20 he ran off to ensure that he would not be locked out of the rapidly-filling bar.

I loathe hockey! Actually, that is not true. I loathe hockey mania. And yesterday it was hockey mania in Ottawa, as hundreds of individuals flooded Elgin Street in Senators jerseys, red face paint, you name it. And Larry was a willing participant in it. In fact, he cut our coffee date short to join in the events.

It's always the knowledge that someone who hurt you feels no deep interest in you that shocks the system.

Enough of that. The point is that whatever he feels, whatever he might be protecting himself from, whatever his motivation was for insisting on taking me for a birthday drink (that morphed into yesterday's coffee)...the relationship is over.

It's over and it was not fully healthy and I can't allow it to represent any kind of ideal for me. I mean, I WAS NOT HAPPY WHEN I WAS WITH HIM.

Let's be honest: I fell for him because he was the first guy whom I'd slept with in a number of years. I'd been coccooning in a big way. And I finally tossed down all of my trust and hope on the wrong guy.

Plain and simple.

I need to learn from this.

So I did a constructive thing today. I called Alex, the scientist from last autumn. You know, the guy whom I rejected for writing me love poetry? I explained to him that I was smarting and he understood. He is currently smarting over a woman himself. I told him that I did not want to take advantage of him but that his friendship today would be greatly appreciated.

Coffee turned into an adventure involving poetry, which turned into dinner. No lines were crossed and we discussed our individual situations like mature adults. I needed a friend today and I got one. I've been impressed with the way that he has turned his devastation over the end of his marriage a year ago around by engaging with the world: through volunteer work, sports, dancing, poetry. He's a good man and a good example. And he kindly extended the hand of friendship and generosity to me today.

I'm ready to reach out and engage with new things. And by that I don't mean new men or new relationships. What I mean is that I understand how important at this juncture it is that I literally force myself to go out and try new things. I almost without exception have a great time when I do. I protect myself unduly, and from what?

I'll be honest: I think that my reaction and my crazy writings of the last couple of days reflect, plain and simply, a lack of attention to proper self-care. Claus was here for a week and only left on Wednesday. That stressful visit coincided with Stewart disappearing off the face of the earth, and the start of my new job. I didn't sleep pretty much any full nights during this time. I also drank several drinks on two occasions and so lost sleep and nutrition in the process.

In general, my nutrition during the week was not at all good. All of these things I know poise me for a crisis. Foolishly, I had four drinks over dinner with my friends on Friday night. I then slept only six hours before meeting Larry on Saturday. How on earth did I honestly expect to be able to maintain my composure? It was already apparent that I was in rough shape, as I blubbered on the phone to Cindy on Thursday about my sadness over the Stewart situation. She told me go to go home and get a good sleep. She told me to run. She told me to take care of myself. I did none of these things. I should have expected and I fully deserved the crash that ensued. Sad to say, but I am a grown woman who sometimes needs someone to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. I don't need to travel down these foolish paths. And yet I trip down these paths anyhow. Time to learn!

11:41 p.m. - 2007-05-20

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