enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Talking myself out of a misguided funk.

I should be happy; I should be grateful. But instead I�m rather lonely. I keep on thinking that for some reason I am unloveable, when I know that the truth is probably more that the last two guys were not good matches.

I suppose I�ve hit this rock bottom as I went on the first date ever last night on which I was clearly rejected by the guy. I mean, it could have been the bad hair. But it was incredibly strange, nevertheless. I thought we were having a good conversation, but at some point he must have decided otherwise as he made a phone call, said he had to go, and then paid for his and only his drink. It was extremely hurtful�particularly when he added the perfunctory and rather insulting-to-my-intelligence, �I�ll be in touch.� But I suppose it has to happen to everyone. There was no attraction, anyhow, so perhaps he sensed that.

So I guess I need to be grateful that I�m free and so free to be with someone more appropriate for me. But there is a part of me that wonders what I�m doing wrong. Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with the way that I conduct myself in relationships? The guys seem so excited for a month or so and then they seem to lose interest.

To be honest, with the last guy, I started to feel that he felt I wasn�t stroking his ego sufficiently. We�d discerned that not only was I able to challenge him intellectually, but that I was a superior athlete. It�s all so tricky. Larry, too, went so far as to say that he wanted to find someone �easier.�

I mean, I think I�m a pretty easygoing person, as far as that goes, which Larry conceded. And I can�t help but be a superior athlete to most guys whom I�ll ever meet, because I. Just. Am.

And I can�t help questioning people�s assumptions about things, asking questions. It�s also who I am. But never with either of them did I suggest that I questioned their intelligence or their expertise in their respective fields. I showed only respect for and interest in their knowledge and talents. They both want me to remain in their lives so I suppose that is self-evident.

Still, I wonder at the position that I find myself in. And, honestly, I feel despair that I am likely to never have a family at this point. I would have been a good partner and a good mother. It hurts to think I might not have the opportunity to be one or both.

9:34 a.m. - 2007-05-17

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fifidellabon
hungryghost
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