enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I should be grateful. I should be grateful. I should be grateful.

Oh my God. I should not write one of my rapid-fire entries at the moment. But I will anyhow.

Seriously, seriously, I just can't stand looking in the mirror. Each time I do I want to cry. I look like Ronald McDonald! Only with less hair.

My mother always says that a "watched pot never boils." Damn. SO true. I have exactly 0.7 cm of new growth since the hair disaster two weeks ago. It will be at least a month before I have enough to cut it off, probably more. I just wish it weren't so discoloured and damaged all the way to the roots! I am miserable!

I really hope that my period is coming, as I had a no good, terrible, horrible, very bad day. In spite of the fact that I was highly productive.

The problem is that I am so embarrassed by my hair at present that I never leave my office. I also didn't leave my apartment this weekend--apart from the date Friday night, but that is another story.

Well, that is a lie. I did leave my apartment. I left my apartment on Saturday evening to ask my landlord if he had taken in my paper, as it had disappeared from the stoop. I mean, I don't mind borrowing if I appear not to be home, but KEEPING the paper is so not nice. Especially since my mailbox is inside and the paper would fit in it. And also since my apartment number is WRITTEN RIGHT ON THE PAPER.

SO anyhow. I went to my landlord's door and knocked. And this guy has the most amazing knack of rapid-fire inviting me to a million different things and making it very difficult for me to refuse ALL of them. In the end I thought it couldn't do too much harm--and that he would leave me alone--if I were to agree to have brunch with him the next morning. I mean, we live one block from a bunch of nice restaurants.

But when I went down to his apartment yesterday morning, he had planned to DRIVE ME TO THIS ROMANTIC LITTLE TOWN ON THE QUEBEC SIDE FOR BREAKFAST.

This sort of thing has happened to me before. Men seem to guess at my squirrel-i-ness (word? Yes, my word!) and hold me hostage in order to get me to do things. Perhaps you'll recall the runner in Montreal who took me for a run in Longueil and then when I didn't want to have dinner with him--since he hadn't asked--refused to drive me home?

Oh my head hurts. I am so tired.

So what I ended up enduring was breakfast in my landlord's apartment, made S-L-O-W-L-Y by him.

Well, my duty at least is done for now.

Perhaps, if I hope to have a boyfriend in the next couple of years I should indeed skew old, since it seems that my landlord was oblivious to the colour and texture of my hair.

So my DATE on Friday night.

Things had been going so well; we have so much in common. I liked this guy. And then we made this plan for our sixth date for me to go out to the suburb in which he lives, after work.

Sure, the hair is not good. But I dressed nicely and did the best that I could. From the hairline down I looked great.

So he picked me up at the bus stop and when I got into his car he was not as friendly as usual. Sure, he was worrying about traffic. But then the phone rang and he asked if he could get it. Thinking it was his office, and given that he had not yet been rude in my presence, I told him to go ahead.

Big mistake. He was clearly talking to a girl--a friend, apparently--and the conversation was flirty and annoying.

Now, let me get it straight that I am not usually uptight about things like this. But I did feel uptight in this instance as after a few minutes of conversation he mentioned that he was busy tonight but skirted around the issue of what he was doing. He mentioned eventually that he had someone in the car but he did not say my name, nor did he say that it was a date!

Perhaps I am unduly uptight. But I was incensed! Seriously, so disappointed.

I give up on men.

And stupidly I had agreed to let the email dumper buy me a birthday drink this coming Wednesday. Why, I do not know. But fortunately I came to my sense and canceled today for this week.

I feel discombobulated at the moment, if the truth be told. I just feel dark and kind of ticked off and so annoyed that I have so little control over things that should be so small and petty.

Anyhow. Rant of the day over with. As I mentioned above, I think, I was enormously productive at work today. I need to keep this up, and perhaps write a couple of additional pieces tonight. I've simply got to keep the motor running.

And please do send any hair ideas my way, should you have them! In spite of the horrible colour, I don't believe that I want to colour over it again right now. But any suggestion for cute, short cuts would be great. A friend at the office suggested a Mia Farrow-ish look. Maybe. I mean, I suppose I won't have much choice with an inch of hair, anyhow.

But at least it will be my own, brown hair. :(

6:39 p.m. - 2007-05-07

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