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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Life settles down.

Update:

Really, amusingly, my hair is really, really destroyed. That last salon completely ruined it. It is falling out.

I find this so amusing, given that until I made that colouring mistake last year, I had been an au naturel girl my entire life.

I'm in a bit of a bind as to what to do. I can't shave it off; that wouldn't go over well in my new job and I certainly don't want to have to answer enquiries about cancer and so on. I could grow it for two months and get a boy cut. My experience with an extreme boycut was not pleasant, however. I mean, I have pretty eyes but my face is too strong and not sufficiently "pretty" to pull one off. I definitely look boyish with such a cut.

So the only alternative is to leave the crappy, discoloured, bleached, breaking hair on as it grows, and pull it all back to keep as much of it out of view as possible. I suspect that this is the simples option. It sounds like a contradiction but for some reason I look far better with my hair back than I do with it cut off. Perhaps because it is rather fluffy when it is short. THough I suppose I could gel it down.

Any way you slice it, since i look best with long hair, this is NOT A GOOD SITUATION.

But I'm determined to learn from this. This is the ultimate lesson to my panic and vanity. Clearly, the learning to be done in this situation is to truly love myself and feel attractive, regardless of my physical deficiencies.

This is all very poorly timed, of course. I'm dating someone new! He loves women with long brown hair! He is incredibly confident and bright and younger than I am! It will take a miracle for him to stick with me...He's trying but I have relatively low expecations. The other day he mentioned the "outrageously good-looking" girl he once dated.

Of course he mentioned that he dumped her because she bored him, but still...I feel I will fall short in the near future. The trick will be to convince myself that I don't fall short. Of course, that confidence and self-love would prevent any relationship from unraveling. But can I finally achieve that state of self-acceptance?

Good grief I hope so.

I mean, I'm a little worried about starting my new job with this hair. I will get looks. But then people will eventually stop noticing and will get on with things. People ultimately are narcissistic; I know this.

So the funny thing about this is that I am about to cut my hair super-short (something I swore I would never do again), precisely at the point at which I am starting to get interested in running again. I did my first real workout on Wednesday--a "fartlek" or "speedplay" workout on the canal path. It felt exhilarating and amazing, and during the workout I was transported to a bike path with my boyfriend in Canberra in 1999, at the height of my fitness. I hadn't recalled that memory in many years. I could smell and taste it.

And I was reminded of one important thing: My boyfriend at that time fell in love with me when I had a short hair cut. I was completely unselfconscious about it. He preferred me eventually with longer hair, but he saw me when he met me because I wasn't afraid and I wasn't hiding her. I wasn't afraid to be imperfect or even plain. I relied on my heart and my personality to be attractive.

SO HOW THE HELL DID I LOSE THAT PERSON??

Why is it so difficult to be self-accepting?

OK. ON to more important topics. I am WAY behind on the work that I need to finish before I complete my current job in two weeks. And the very next day I must head over to my new department. It's rather insane. I'm happy though to have the new job signed and sealed. I have a year's probabation and then I will be forever and always a gov. drone. Lucky me!

Honestly, I feel so much relief at beign able to settle into something STABLE. Stability is all I've wanted lately; I've craved it so badly. I want to be in a place of rest. I think, too, that I might finally get that dog that I've been wanting! (Forget the boyfriend...)

And I'm going to plant flowers. And buy books! And paint! I feel so free and happy about all of these things. It feels great to pay my bills and not worry about the future flow of income. I put money into my investment account!

So, now, I must do my taxes. I've been avoiding this, even though they are simple. Can one think of anything more egregiously boring than doing one's taxes on a Saturday morning?

And then I will do some literacy volunteering this afternoon. I can't wait!

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11:06 a.m. - 2007-04-28

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