enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I am having asthma difficulties today and I can only imagine it to be related to the stuff that is emerging--moulds and such--from underneath the melting snow. :(

So please excuse the last entry that I posted. So ridiculous and self-aggrandizing, and poorly written.

I'm finally back on my sleep track. And frankly I'm thinking of just cutting my hair off so that I won't waste any more valuable life time either dyeing or thinking about it. What a silly use of breath that has been.

Sleep does wonders for my sense of what is real.

The other thing that has done a great deal for my sense of presence and of the present is a call from my boss-to-be that came in yesterday. He called to tell me that I will receive my contract/offer letter within the next two weeks, but that HR is delayed for a variety of reasons having nothing to do with me. Everything seems to be secure.

Better yet, my boss-to-be was calling me as he had seen me on another list that morning, and was concerned that I was about to receive another offer. (It hasn't come in yet, but could do so in the next couple of days.) He wanted to reassure me that my offer is firm, as, in his words, "We don't want to lose you!"

Always good to hear.

So I'm breathing more easily now, in spite of the fact that THERE IS NO WAY THAT I CAN GET ALL OF MY WORK DONE at my current job. This is causing me quite a bit of grief. But I am only human and the work hasn't depended on me. I have pulled my weight and have been waiting for input and further guidance. My boss will be steamed over this, to be sure, I'm afraid. But I'm putting in tons of overtime, working at home when I am not contracted to do this...I will get as much *quality* work done as I can before I leave. I'd even continue to work on this project after I leave, but I don't know how that would work.

Anyhow. I still have six weeks. I will work well.

I've realized a few very important things lately. One of them is that most of my anxiety is derived from not having made a decision about something. My hair, for example. I was stressed out about it until I made the decision to call up and make a simple appointment to dye over it on Saturday.

And if the new colour is equally horrible I will simply cut it off and start over. It is only hair, after all. Who cares. I used to have this attitude--I even went super-short once--and apart from becoming invisible to men (or maybe because of it!) I quite enjoyed it. I liked the fact that I used to not care about my appearance much. (Good hygiene, of course, excepted. :))

What else?

Not too much. On account of the sleep deprivation of late I have not been reading as much as I normally would.
I haven't been thinking much at all, really. I've been in a daze.

Things should settle down in the near future. Once I have that offer letter in hand I will be calm, for sure.

I'm supposed to be going to NYC Easter weekend--the ticket is bought, accomodation arranged, etc.--but I must admit that I am so lacking in energy that I feel like throwing the ticket away. I will probably still go as the other girl is expecting a companion, but I must admit to wanting simply to lie around my apartment for a while. I'm not feeling adventurous. I'm feeling drained. And I don't feel much like shopping. I'm just not *there*.

Though my reluctance is rather silly as I love to visit with A. who now lives there, and my favourite brother lives there too. My brother has been working for a young design studio--he's an industrial designer, I've probably mentioned this-- for the last couple of years. I've often looked at his work when he has visited home, and via email, but visiting his studio would be rather interesting. This same brother is quite an accomplished dj, too (if that is the term that they still use :)), and can probably take us to an interesting party on the Saturday night. And he's the sweetest boy in the world--though I'm rather biased--so I enjoy spending time with him.

That said, I've been thinking of going to Paris later in the summer. If I could I would make it spring, but I start my new job the day after I end my old one. In fact, I am supposed to start the new job...yesterday. Sigh. A one week break would be greatly appreciated.

What other news?

Well...I joined a running club. I think I wrote about that on the weekend. I won't be running with them for a while, as I have no desire to do a track workout at any point in the near future. I will need to build strength and mileage, first. So having said that I should head out to the canal to build my base.

I started biking to work again yesterday. Oh what freedom I feel when I can bike! I get to work and think, petulantly, "Do I really have to lock my bike up and go inside? I want to ride in circles around the area for a while!"

So I compensate for my disappointment by running up the 24 flights of stairs to my office.

Mad, yes. :)

But it's spring. It's spring madness! And that's all good!

In other, very silly news, I will report that the ex. contacted me AGAIN on each of the last couple of days. He did not, however, set up that coffee he begged me for last week. As a result I really feel over with it all. I admit to feeling the nudging annoyance of residual interest last week. I think that his revealed preferences have finally led me to *feel* what he is all about. (It's very easy to know what a man is up to and understand it to be unhealthy for you, but sometimes difficult to divorce one's feelings from him.)

Well, I will not bore any longer. :)

9:00 p.m. - 2007-03-27

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