enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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breathe easy, breathe light

So I�ve finally graduated to writing my entries in word and then transferring them to the site. It�s a testament to my laziness that I almost always write my entries in the little box, on the fly�which is why they tend to meander so. :) (Who am I kidding? This is unlikely to be substantially better. :))

Anyhow. So I feel like a million dollars. I have not been given a concrete job offer, but it seems that a couple of my options are highly likely to come through. I found out yesterday that for the one department I am now in the hiring pool�meaning that I�ve passed all screening hurdles (test, panel interview, reference checks)�and so it remains for managers to pull me from the pool when specific opportunities arise. I mean, no guarantee, of course. But my particular skill set and experience are very appropriate for the jobs available there and I am positively anticipating an offer.

So. A bit more patience is required. Always patience when it comes to government.

But I think the reason why I feel like a million dollars today is something entirely different. In fact, I know that this is the reason for my contentment: I got rid of the guy once and for all. He called me on Thursday night and left a message suggesting that we go out for a drink either Friday or Saturday night, or a weekend coffee. I maintained my composure until I got to the office on Friday morning, and wrote him a succinct email expressing the general reduction in respect that has been cultivated by his behaviour in the last month. In other words, in the kindest possible way, I informed him that I wouldn�t consider keeping him as a friend or acquaintance. My standards are higher than that. I needed to be nice about it or else I would not have felt good about myself. But I think I made it very clear that I was incredibly disappointed in who he turned out to be, and I hope that at some point he actually gives this some thought. I�m not so vain as to hope that he truly misses me or regrets breaking up with me. That�s not important, anyhow.

So, the end of a truly STUPID era in my recent life has now finally--much delayed--has occurred. I really was suckered by my hormones in this matter.

And the new guy in my life�although I am taking this very, very slowly�shows promise. I have no expectations of this one, but he�s nice. I�m sure of that.

So it would seem that the pieces of my life are slowly falling into place. I should have a job offer soon (knock on wood), my major project is sort of winding up (or at least the pimary data stage is sort of winding up). (I must restart that book, as I�ve let it fall by the wayside�again�not good�and I won�t be able to finish it, but nevermind. As it turns out-- and this has been part of my recent job panic-- my boss is leaving the public sector for good as of the summer, anyhow.)

In other news, I am a genuine grot. I cleaned my fridge this morning, and let me tell you that upon looking at some of the things in the back of my fridge I thought to myself that I should not be permitted to HAVE a fridge. Disgusting. I hate a disgusting fridge, but sometimes you get so distracted by life and the detritus accumulates. Thank goodness that everything is emptied and scrubbed and I can once again start fresh.

OK. Well, I am going to wash my hair. Then I am going to go out to get the paper. And then I am going to go on a cheese-buying mission. J I think, too, that I am going to knit a green, belted little cardigan this weekend. Because I can, and that yarn has been doing little but gathering dust since I imported it from Wales a few months ago. (Sad, the procrastination in my life.)

Things are good. It�s amazing how fragile is one�s existence. A couple of little puzzle pieces need to be in alignment and then everything else can layer successfully on top of them. It�s much tougher to build a life when those foundational pieces are missing. I feel, however, that I am one or two steps closer today than I was last week, to building that foundation that I so desire.

I wish I could consistently focus my mind on the truth that happiness is a set of discrete, fleeting moments. I have all sorts of images in my head that comprise happiness; I need to concentrate on my recall of them when times get tough. Just this week, as my date and I were driving to see the film, having a nice conversation about social democracy, we crested the hill to Parliament at sunset. It�s winter and the light is rather wan against the completely gothic lines of the central and outlying buildings. I think what I saw was something that you could call a cool gold, against a background of warm slate grey (really limestone). These colours remind me of wolves in snowy fields, and rock outcrops on the Shield, and of how the winter grey and deprivation force you to take notice of the sunset. Add pine trees and you have the entire palette of Canadian colours in your paintbox. :)

So there you go. I think I�m also going to go and rent Marie Antoinette, if only because I want to see the shoes. :)

11:46 a.m. - 2007-03-10

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