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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I am a bad, bad vegetarian.

I've been eating excessively in the last couple of days. I think it's my body calling for nutrients to ward off a cold of which I am currently on the edge. To worsen things I am still not sleeping well.

Calm. Contentment. And most of all patience. These things should be my focus. Not to mention everything that I want in life (thank you, sunpowered!!).

I'm sitting around in a tank top because I had the oven on to cook a rosemary chicken, which explains the entry title. I'm still a vegetarian for all intents and purposes--and feel pretty rotten about cooking a chicken--but I was too lazy a vegetarian I am afraid to stay perfectly healthy. I'm rebuilding my ferritin stores at the moment.

So I quite like this Norah Jon3s album. Good background music.

I'm having a GREAT DEAL of difficulty getting myself working, can you tell??? But if I don't begin now this will end up like every other Sunday evening on which I feel guilty for not meeting my objectives. Weekends just slip away from me. I remain inert. I'm telling myself that I need to rest but still...

My apartment looks great. I finally put together a bookshelf that has been sitting around for a while. This prompted me to move some furniture around, organize my huge collection of knitting supplies and projects. There's a warm calm to my apartment now. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but it feels homey.

I realize that I want the job that I want so badly at the moment, because in that job I can be creative in a way that I cannot now. It's difficult to explain but, like my apartment, that workplace is infused with a kind of warmth and concern. I'll be researching and advising labour market policy that affects children and families. If I get it. Please let me get it. :)

OK. Sigh. I should work. I'm going to work for a couple of hours and then take a break to make lemon squares.

Incidentally, I watched W1t with Emma Th0mpson last night. In the first 20 minutes or so I thought, "Nah! Can't watch this--too mournful and a little dry." But there were some moving bits to this. Some of the closing scenes were tremendously memorable.

I rather like Emma T. What was that excellent Winterbottom movie that she was in with her mother? Winter something. Also, her scene in the bedroom with the Joni Mitch3ll song was the best part of that enjoyable though silly Love Actu@lly a couple of years ago.

Anyhow. I have Young Ad@m and Almadov@r's Wom3n on the V3rge of a N3rvous Breakdown rented but I doubt I'll have time to watch them. Of course I could always do that now...

When at the video store on Friday night I came clean with the cute video store guy about my job stress and the breakup. At the time I had two movies selected and needed a third to take advantage of the three-day special. He suggested something...not so dreary, angry and depressing. I couldn't help myself but round out the trio with the Almodov@r flick. Flirting dangerously...perhaps. :)

And I'm really not a flirt. At all. I'm awkward with a capital A on that front. I'm mildly charming, in a girlish way, though, apparently, if my last few dates are to be believed. :) The recent ex. would in fact mimic my facial expressions as though he thought that I was putting them on. It had a terribly dampening effect on my mood and my confidence, as you can imagine. But that is my fault and not his. I should have stood up for myself more frequently. Or simply told him to get lost.

OK. Will go and do SOMETHING. Now.

Waiting. I am not good at waiting. But really what I need to do--and I know this--is master my thoughts. I need to enjoy the present exactly as it is and not worry forward. I need figure out exactly what I want and focus on doing everything in my power to get it. I need to be happy in my health and in my skin. Keep on repeating this to yourself, S, until you really *get* it. :)

For this moment, especially, I am going to focus in on and enjoy the gorgeous sunlight that is streaming into my living room from the west window. In winter in eastern Canada, believe me, one needs to bask int hese fleeting moments. :)

A happy and beautiful day to all.

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2:16 p.m. - 2007-03-04

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