enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I think I put on two pounds this week, all from chocolate, cheese and cupcakes. Yikes!

I just posted something silly and instead I will attempt to write something marginally interesting.

Yes, I did not hear about the job. This means that I have to follow through and write a test on Monday morning.

I've realized though that really what I need to do is focus on the end of life. Life will end eventually, soon, whatever...and all of this planning and plotting and festering worry will have done me no good. So I hereby declare that I am going to forget about it as much as possible.

I AM going to focus on gratitude.

I went on a date last night. While it was not the world's greatest date, I think the guy is a really, really good guy. At first I thought he was too sedate for me, but after a while he warmed up and smiled and laughed with me. I liked the person that I was when I was out with him. One of the major, major objections about the ex.-boyfriend is that I felt not quite 100% myself with him--big, big warning bells, I know.

The guy was not as attractive as I'd expected him to be, although he was not terrible looking. Part of the problem is that he was a bad dresser. He was wearing an over-sized, nondescript navy blue sweater, baggy jeans, and hiking boots. He's a scientist. He dressed like my uncle, who is also a scientist. Not to generalize about scientists or anything. (I seem to be attracting primarily natural scientists at the moment, for some reason.)

Anyhow. So not being able to dress is not necessarily a deal-breaker, although I admit to liking a little bit of style in a guy. I mean, the ex. went too far with this. Frankly, I thought of him as vain. He was prettier than I am. And it got to be a bit much. I had chalked it up to insecurities though.

But the thing I wonder about is whether this guy is simply too confident to care, or if he can't SEE that he doesn't look polished. I'll have to ask when I get to know him better. But don't worry--I'm not in the market for a project.

I'm quite seriously hoping to get into a relationship with someone with depth. His wardrobe is of minor importance. Although of course it would be nice to have both intellect and some attention paid to aesthetics. I can't help it--I'm rather visually-oriented. Hmm...

I'll tell you though that I ended the date with the thought that this guy had pretty much everything else going for him. I liked the feeling that I was left with that I had only scratched the surface with him. And we had an interesting conversation about scale in economics and with respect to the environment. Depth. There is real depth to this guy. He emailed me today about dinner and a movie this week, which he'd asked me about at the end of the date last night. Reliable works for me.

So I should be working. But I have a problem with overwork and burnout. I pushed myself excessively on Thursday and Friday and I am consequentially bored with the idea of returning to my paper.

No choice but to buckle down, I'm afraid.

Please do though cross your fingers and toes for me that I hear positively about the job on Monday and so can begin a period of true expansion in my thoughts and activities. :) I feel really, really open to growth and expansion at the moment. I love it when my heart feels light like this. I'm being aesthetic again, which sounds weird. But when I get like this I fix up my apartment, put out flowers, feel beautiful *just as I am*, play with my clothes and makeup in quirky and fun ways, smile lots (the key to beauty, anyhow), plan projects and trips to Vancouver and Paris (once I get that damn job!)... :)

4:35 p.m. - 2007-03-03

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