enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I know that life is so simple and eventually it will come to its meagre end and so I should simply not worry about any outcomes. It's all so ridiculous!

February sucks!

I had to do it.

March, be it a lamb or a lion, must of needs be preferable.

I'm exhausted. I've been spinning my wheels. What I need to do is write, write, write. I have too much data, too many results, and not enough on-the-paper, in print content.

That's what it boils down to sometimes: the imperfect, even something you consider to be mostly crap...is better than nothing in print.

ACK. I really don't like this. The perfectionist in me is mortally despairing over this.

Ah well. No need to dwell on it.

SO I'm in the weirdest situation ever re. the job that I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. The guy clearly wants me as he has called me directly a couple of times. Today, he called me to find out why my references have not yet replied to him.

Regarding the first, I am befuddled, as he responded cheerily to the email that I sent to him last Friday. I can only imagine that he is busy. He's a good professor and researcher but he has a tendency to be flush up against deadlines.

The second reference is a huge problem...because I could not help but put him down. It's my current boss. I mean, I explained to him why I applied for the job and why I need the guarantee. He knows that he can't offer me any guarantee. He can't offer me anything, except he feels wounded as he thinks I'm being disloyal. I know that he has been putting in effort to retain me...he is simply fairly powerless in this. I mean, he is extremely powerless in this.

So I do feel disloyal, and I don't want to say too much to him, although I will simply have a nervous breakdown if I don't have a bird-in-the-hand job soon.

I mean, I'd like to quit with all of the tests and interviews already. As it stands, I have another test to write next Monday. There will be interviews subsequent to this. I simply want to do my work and go home at night and relax in the knowledge that I can anticipate a secure income.

Well, enough said. I know it sounds as though I haven't handled my boss terribly well. It's an incredibly delicate situation. I know that he's worried because he hasn't yet seen his deliverables. He'll get them, but I think he sees this project extending far beyond the end of my contract. He's probably correct. It's not that he can't find anyone else to do the work; and he really can't guarantee me an income to continue doing it. Sigh. It's tricky, tricky, tricky. I have another project that needs doing as well. I'm determined to do it but I realize that it does not look good.

I can understand why he is ticked off, really. It's not that I've been underperforming though. It's that the projects were too big and my co-author has done nothing. In a nutshell. I've been swimming valiantly--with the exception of the really off bit earlier this month. I feel guilty about my poor work for a couple of weeks there, but I will also say that I only take lunch twice a week and always stay at least an hour beyond anyone else. And I don't take many breaks. In general I am a pretty focused and dedicated worker. I'm not even lacking in talent, I will admit. What I am lacking in sometimes--in a SERIOUS way--is the ability to see the forest for the trees. I am the classic perfectionist and I get MIRED in unnecessary detail. It frequently hurts me to see what I have NOT accomplished. And when I think of the time that I've procrastinated through...trying to find that better result...

I'm tired. I should stop thinking about this. I should snack and sleep, methinks.

10:12 p.m. - 2007-02-28

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