enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-

I'm generally a philosophical person and able to see situations clearly...when they are about other people.

And I think I understand that because I had a fairly intense relationship with this guy my brain chemistry is currently f-d up. It will take time for me to disentangle myself from this.

I have to say that there are few worse feelings for me than being out with someone nice--a friend, say--whose company you usually enjoy and whose company you should be enjoying now, and sitting there the whole time thinking about how you'd rather be with someone else...who is a complete shithead and unworthy to lick the boots of the person you are actually with. The whole thing gives me a hit of guilt and a massive tranche of self-loathing.

This morning I dressed up nicely in cute jeans, boots, and a little pink ballerina cardigan. I was feeling sunny and fresh. I grabbed a couple of papers to read and headed out to the Bridg-head for a flipping coffee. I was going to start the day anew with coffee and research and the weekend book review section.

But then I got to the coffee shop and it was chock-a-bloc full. There was absolutely nowhere to sit. And the only alternative was the *bucks down the road. And it hurt and sucked that I knew the odds of him being there and did not *under any circumstances* want to go there and risk having him think that I was seeking him out.

So I'm constrained even in my neighbourhood.

Poor C. I cried into the phone for an hour when I got home. He's so forbearing. He also gives remarkably good advice--the best, most rational, most patient and metered advice I've heard. I know that he's correct. And as he spoke I flashed to every time that I was with this guy and felt that he was not really there with me, not giving me the attention that I deserved. There were times when I felt the proverbial loneliness that is greatest when one is lonely WITH someone.

I wish I fully understood how I let myself fall into that trap again.

I simply think that he was not yet ready to have a relationship after his last girlfriend, although he has never told me anything about that relationship or its demise.

But it's stupid to go through all of the reasons why he has decided to go cold turkey on me. My natural instinct is to horrifyingly imagine that he sought out and is with his ex-girlfriend at the moment. I imagine her sleeping over last night, and him getting the pathetic email that I sent (stupid, stupid, stupid) and thinking, "I'm so glad to be now with the woman that I really love and not this other woman whom I don't."

Thinking that someone doesn't love you is the hardest part of it. I always turn it back on myself and feel that I am therefore unloveable, unworthy. But the truth of the matter is that if someone is indeed still hung up on an ex-girlfriend (if that is indeed the case), they never had the resources to apply to giving you a fair shake anyhow, since they were already invested somewhere else. In a way this should make a person feel better, since you can't manufacture something without any capital.

Metaphor. Don't you love the language of Love Economics? ;)

See. I'm sort of getting back my weak sense of humour.

I'm going to go and buy myself another big, frosted cookie. And then I will run for an hour or so to purge myself of it. :)

Sigh.

1:02 p.m. - 2007-02-11

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell