enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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brownies and pink cardigans

All I can say is that I have been on a roller coaster in the last few days.

I cried and cried. Why did my period have to come in the midst of breakup trauma??

Wednesday at work was horrible, as I have already noted. No consolation from him.

Thursday I went to work charged up and felt good all day, although on Thursday evening and through the night all of my positive memories of him returned and I felt sick and very lonely.

Friday, I started out the day with tears rolling down my cheeks on the bus. On the BUS. I mean, I'm 36 years old. No one died. I didn't lose anything I really had.

Friday at work things started to hum along and I was OK. But then he emailed me and we got into a bit of a fevered exchange over lunchtime. I tried to call his cell but he didn't pick up. I felt like a desperate lunatic. So I called it quits and told him that that was it-- I wasn't going to be in touch again.

And then he wrote me a note insisting that we get together to do something later this week after my interview. Among other things he suggested talk, which I highly doubt since he avoided the talk every other time.

In truth, I suspect that I should not see him again, although probably seeing him and having closure in the likely event that I run into him in public is a good thing.

Gosh this sucks.

And it really sucks that I felt like a lunatic--told him that it was almost as though it was the crazy day that I have immediately before my period strikes, but that it was too early for my period I thought--and then got my period and realized that that was a big reason that I showed my weakness to him and cried like a baby all week.

AAAAAAAAAARGH.

So I went out with the scientist last night and he is truly a prince. I wish I could fall in love with him for he would treat me like a goddess. Perhaps in the future I will be able to see him differently, when his marriage is more fully behind him. His neediness diminishes what would otherwise be his natural attractiveness.

And then today I spent the afternoon with my friend A., skating the full length of the canal. We had a nice day and conversation. I've missed him. I wish I hadn't missed him later at the pub but I did. I got caught up buying a shirt for my interview. Stupid reason.

So now I'm sitting in the semi-dark in my apartment, feeling shitty and lonely and unmotivated to work. I think I know the answer but I'm in a hole from which I can't seem to drag myself up: go for a run. If I can force myself to run I'm sure that I'll feel better. Running used to be my best friend and companion and now I rarely do it other than as transportation in the three miles between work and home.

A. actually stated today that I must miss running as it was such a big chunk of my life. And it took me a while to explain it, but the truth is that I miss it less and less. In truth, I feel happy that I am finally liberated from the enslavement that I felt to it. It comprised my self-esteem in so many ways. This might explain why this relationship went awry--my self-esteem is a bit like swiss cheese at the moment. Hmm...could be it.

Confidence must be renewed somehow.

7:48 p.m. - 2007-02-10

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