enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I recover quickly from breakups with cowards, it seems.

OH good grief.

So let me begin this note, make it simple, by telling you that I was dumped by EMAIL yesterday.

By a guy who is nearly FORTY, who had called me every single day since we met in November, and whom I'd been seeing 3-4 times per week, and WHOM I'd been out with and believed I was having a nice time with on TUESDAY NIGHT.

Yes. I wrote this entry a couple of times through my tears in the last couple of days and then I forgot to send it to myself. And somehow I am all talked out on the thing.

He was not the guy for me.

You think??

I was at my favourite bakery just now and I saw a display of huge, heart-shaped cookies slathered with pink and red icing and freaky Frida Kahlo-ish heart veins-flying- everywhere designs, and with heart-shaped chocolates with imprinted slogans like Kiss Me and Forever pressed into the frosting. So do you know what I did?

I bought one for *myself*.

And I ate the whole thing.

And now I feel ill. Positively ill. Every year since I was a litle girl my mother has made me a birthday cake of angel food with crunchy sprinkles inside and pink, boiled frosting and I don't have the heart to tell her that that cake does the same thing to me. Psychedelic pink and food do not--perhaps--go together.

Why isn't there a good cheese shop near me? At least then I'd have gained some nutrition from the exercise.

In case you're wondering, the reason that I was dumped is that--after nearly three months of dating--I had the gall to ask the night before (never having asked before) if he would mind telling me the location of his feelings at the moment.

You can tell that I'm extremely rusty in the relationship department because

1) I chose to date a coward, apparently;
2) I have been unhappy about the lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship for a while and didn't want to rock the boat;
3) 1 again.

So anyhow. I had a good cry yesterday--all day yesterday. And the shame of not getting work done at work was so great that I went home, cleaned my apartment, organized my papers, and went to work on full throttle today.

Breakup rule #1 Always maintain your dignity and focus.

I realize that I am talking about a minor breakup, of course. But you should know that I am a deep girl and so I cared for him and would have tried to make it work.

Stupid mistake #1 (or 3 or 4 or 5...I can't quite remember).

So the thing that reminds me that I am better than OK is that--and I am not usually goofy like this--a network of absolute angels swooped in, worked their magic, and reminded me that I am better than this.

Claus and Cindy were of course there for me all day and evening, with quick calls of sense-talking and emails of equal comfort. My colleague E. came into my office repeatedly to comfort me. And my friend A. showed up unexpectedly at my desk at 5:15 to take me out for Thai food (since she knew darn well that I hadn't eaten a bite of food all day).

And then there was the scientist. You know the guy who professed love for me and wrote poems for me a few months back and whom I rejected? Yeah, that one. We've been talking again lately--as friends--and planning to go out for dinner or a movie tomorrow night (and to talk books, read poetry, etc.). He gave me good advice, a few laughs, and completely unselfish comfort. Who knows--in time I might just fall in love with that guy.

What other angels? Oh yes! A. (at the UN in New York) emailed me coincidentally to see if I'm in town this weekend as he'll be visiting and would like to have coffee and go skating on the canal. I like A. immensely, even though we didn't end up forming a couple. He has a lovely girlfriend now and I think it's going to work out for him. I'm happy. When he found out the news he sent me a series of cute and funny photos of baby pandas from his blackberry.

The sweet Italian lady in the cafeteria at work gave me a smile and bit of advice.

And then a lovely lady out of the blue in the elevator told me that I have her dream figure.

I did my hair nicely today and put on bright, sparkling quartz and smoke quartz earrings that I bought in Quebec City this past weekend, to start my heart anew. (I knew that something was afoot with the wanker.)

I'm so impolite.

Once I get the photos of my weekend at Carnaval I will upload them immediately. I went with four Italian guys and one Italian girl, all Ph.Ds in Economics. You can imagine the issues that arose with respect to organization and navigation...perhaps. :)

7:10 p.m. - 2007-02-08

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