enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I am a poster woman for what not to do with one's life. And did I mention that another woman waiting to be interviewed for the same job today looked like a model? :(

OK. Here I am. I am feeling OK right now, following the two days of interviews, in spite of the fact that yesterday's went terribly and today's less well than I had hoped. Oh well. I bought a huge load of tasty, expensive groceries and I am going to wallow in goodness.

I am OK. Really, I AM OK. Nevertheless, I am going to post an entry that I wrote yesterday at work, in a moment of particular misery:

So I need to write a few words of wisdom to myself now.

I panicked on the weekend about the relationship, and I think I've finally driven him away. I lost sight of whether he was actually the right guy for me or not--he's likely not, anyhow--and just desperately wanted to feel that someone could love me. The honest truth is that I doubt that. And that's the obstacle standing in my way, in every facet of my life.

And I'm having trouble energizing myself for the test that I must write this afternoon. I go in front of a panel tomorrow, for an interview for that rotational policy job that I didn't get last year. I'm unprepared for the interview, as a result of the way that things went on the weekend. I'm also much less confident than I was last year. I feel deflated, all around.

I look in the mirror today and all I see is someone very small. It's as though I shrank overnight. I look pale and drab and thin in a pair of grey trousers, a matching short grey jacket with a fine pinstripe, a bone-coloured shirt. My hair is pulled back in a French twist and my face is colourless. My colleagues have all noticed this morning that I look stressed.

And my guilt over not getting any work done this morning is enormous. All I've managed to do is book my flight to New York--with Elena; the trip will now take place over Easter weekend (April 6-9)--and complete my security clearance package for the interview, complete with photocopies of all necessary documents. I wish I cared. I can't summon any interest or caring at the moment. Why is peace and contentment so elusive for me?

To pull myself out of this funk I've tried to remind myself of how miserable my life was last year in that little apartment in London, studying things that I felt were silly, in a program that I didn't feel was worthwhile. Then I managed to stay cheerful most of the time, by having the occasional beer with friends, studying towards this job, running, cycling around town, putting the BBC P&P on repeat, listening to music, cooking. I mean, life was pretty drab there. Here I have a much nicer apartment, an interesting and well-paid job (however impermanent), some new friends. I've even had a nice time with a guy for a change (again, however impermanent).

From the improvement in my circumstances I should be able to retrieve some satisfaction and contentment. And I was doing so. But now that one element of that newfound peace is slipping away I feel worse than I can ever imagine I felt in the last year. Like will and purpose and focus have been completely sucked out of me.

Now I know that this is all because I managed what I called a proxy for happiness in the other, more negative circumstances, by isolating myself from even the remotest chance of being in a romantic relationship. I protected myself completely from harm. With a restricted choice set happiness was much more easily defined. By a book or a movie, say; a book and a movie watched alone in my apartment.

Whenever I get this way I feel particularly ashamed of my pathetic-ness because I AM loved. Great gifts of love are given to me every day through the support of my friends and family. I have a small foundation on which to build. I am not bereft.

***

So the reasonable me is now back. This always happens--I just needed to have the oppression of another one of those miserable panel interviews in which I never measure up over with. I clearly have not figured out the formula for succeeding in these; I have to figure out a means to get some assistance in order to improve. It is getting a bit desperate.

But I am not going to worry about it tonight. Tonight I am going to EAT.

5:47 p.m. - 2007-01-23

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