enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Ah, it's a *hard* life.

In yet another inappropriate segue (well, this is really an introduction), I will tell you that I am currently listening to a very interesting radio piece about the phallis through the ages. Castration--I'm all for it.

I'm starting to lose interest in hearing about the various remnants of Chr!st's foreskin, though.

Um. Where to go from here.

I remain ill. I also remain a little bit bored. I'm finding it difficult to get 'up' for my work. I'm learning to turn off work once it's over, however, which is an achievement.

So the scientist and I carried on an interesting email conversation today, in spite of the fact that I turned him down for lunch. I should really just get it on with him, should I not?

I mean, I don't see this as forever. But then why should I always worry about that? Why should I always worry about hurting their feelings??

What I worry about most is whether I will ever meet a man with whom I will not likely become bored.

Really, I worry about this.

And obviously I don't mean sexually bored, since I'm not the wandering, roaming type. I am simply on the fence about ever being tied down. (With no pun intended.)

Related to this was a program that warmed my heart last night, about choosing to be childless. Still a tricky question for me. I can imagine myself with a child, on the one hand--truly, I can. On the other hand the childless are frequently such compelling advocates for the state. And yet more compelling is the notion of not giving birth to a baby but rather caring for others' unwanted children. In a way I think this is the way to go that is closest to my heart. And that gives me much more time to prepare for such a commitment.

I'm perpetually analytical, I know. Everything in my world is boiled down to a computation. It's what I was trained to do. More than that, though, it's how I achieve control over a situation. And control has manifold attractions. It's how I operate.

On another, more happy note, I want to talk about the compliments that I have received lately! One of the first guys whom I dated in September and who has become a friend has told me that my best attribute is my "girlish charm." The scientist said something similar this weekend. Specifically, he noted that I don't photograph well. When pressed to explain he said that there is a "liveliness to your face that I have not yet seen captured in photographs." And yet a third young man told me that I am "so girlish." So it must be true. ;)

I am not certain that being girlish is such a fine thing at 36, but I will take it anyhow.

I need to blow my nose. And think about phalluses. ;)

So I have a black coat and I am going to make a green hat with a giant pompom to go with it (the coat is a mint 1960s double-breasted knee-length fitted coat with velvet trim, so the pompom may be inappropriate :)). I'm also going to make matching gloves. For some reason I can't bring myself to make a matching scarf, although I think that would probably be best. I'm thinking out loud.

9:45 p.m. - 2006-11-21

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