enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I must not succumb to whatever bug I have picked up.

Wow. Somehow I just deleted an entry that sort of nullified what I wrote before. Something didn't like it.

As I've become more and more draggy this evening I've realized that I am mostly getting sick.

Some other things I realized, whilst standing in a hot shower:

I'm not going to let my job kill me, or take one more ounce of my energy, self-worth, hope, etc. It's really not worth it. If it's not for me it's not for me--no big deal. I am doing a great job at work--irregardless of the possible lack of appreciation for this-- which is always something of which to be proud.

I need to find and follow my heart. It's the only thing that has ever mattered to me. This is not a time for fear. It might be a bumpy road; so what? Might as well live.

I remember reading Dor0thy Parker in my best friend's bedroom in high school. :)

Oh weariness. I think I should make some soup.

I want to...
play around with my clothes and dress up and visit interesting places and feel beautiful

work with my hands towards social justice

read more

play the piano again

go to Europe and draw for a few months

feel whole again by doing any and all of the above, instead of spending my daily hours either working in an office tower in front of a computer or worrying about said work.

Running isn't it for me anymore, it would seem. So to what do I think I should apply my energies? I think it is almost certainly something related to teaching. (How I miss that feeling of single-minded purpose towards a goal. I close my eyes almost every day to feel my way through a memory of it.)

Here I am, before I realized that I was a 'good' runner. In the picture I am running in my fifth marathon, I believe. Things have come full circle, I think. That's the true me; I'm going to be that woman again. I have a lightness of spirit that I don't allow to shine through as often as I should. And why not??? It's my best quality, by far. (That and the fact that I can kick major man-ass when I run hard. :))

I'm so fevered and tired and flat that that is all I am able to write. I am going to make some soup.

Stability is overrated. Well, at least the kind I thought I wanted is overrated.

I must finish my personal statements for teachers' college tomorrow, and continue working on my application for that library/teaching opportunity in Africa.

I think, too, that I should call up one of my former bosses at Foreign Affairs and talk about getting a contract for the winter.

"I closed my eyes. I made a wish."

I was listening to some women on the radio earlier, talking about the choice to not be mothers. One of them said something to the effect that, "I'm mature enough to accept that there are inevitably some paths that I will not now travel. And that I chose. I choose."

9:18 p.m. - 2006-11-20

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