enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what I wrote when I should have been working (brief lapse in concentration ;)
You know what really makes me nuts? People scrolling down a page with the little rolly thing in middle of a mouse. People do this when they have long files of data to review--which is perfectly sensible--but hours of this next door to you will make you mental.
I was coming up from the cafeteria at work this afternoon with a bag of chocolate covered raisins and a coffee--can you tell that I didn't sleep well last night?--and I was thinking to myself that I like things to be fat: a fat paycheque, fat raisins, fat pillows, fat books, juicy (fat) berries. I liked it that my grandmother was a little bit fat--though she fought this like crazy--since she was cuddly to hug. Fat implies rich harvests, time for pleasure beyond work, ripening. I surely was born in the wrong century. And I was thinking the same thing as I lay in bed last night: Who would want to hug a skinny runt like me, all bones near the surface?
Now this is a terribly inappropriate segue (please do forgive me), but the one good thing about not being able to sleep last night is that I caught an excellent, compelling program on the Dutch national radio overnight service on the CBC. It was the story of a woman who, at the age of 7, survived Bergen Belson; she had watched her parents perish there. The announcer at one point asked her how she had gone on to enjoy a good life after that; she responded that she didn't know herself. I'm simply someone who needs a huge kick in the ass with great frequency: stop feeling sorry for yourself.
In other news, I told the scientist that there is no way that I am up for a relationship right now (at least a serious one), that I need to work some things out (clearly). So at lunchtime today what popped up on my screen at work? "You know she's half crazy but that's why you want to be with her."
Thanks, Dude.
I'd consider having a quick fling with him--he's rather attractive--but I'm afraid that if I sleep with him he'll cry or something. And good grief we need the poems to cease arriving in my inbox.
Off to a movie with my French Connection pal Benoit. I thank the heavens for the few divinely caustically humourous people who enter my life from time to time. Of course we're going to see The Queen tonight so the most we'll get in is a little franglais.
You know, I need to figure out why it is that when I attract romantic attention it is frequently from extremely romantic men. It must be the challenge that I present. I just don't buy into romance; in fact it pushes me away. I don't want people to write love poems for me, except on very special occasions. And if you're going to give me jewellery, don't do it where people can gawk at me in a restaurant. Shockingly, I don't even like jewellery. :) The idea of being publicly serenaded also disturbs me greatly, and I can't bear the thought of walking down an aisle in a white dress (Can Can in a red dress, perhaps?). Gosh I'm such a snark.
*****
Post script:
I was a little bit tempted by the scientist, I'll admit. Cute, smart, a reader, and very socially conscious and generous with both his time and money (we went shopping for Christmas gifts to donate to disadvantaged kids through a program at work on Saturday). I've been trying to put my finger on exactly what it is that I can't tolerate, and it's simply that he is too... earnest. I've been a bit untruthful in saying that it is because I think it is ridiculous to fall for someone in three dates. It is true that we only went on three official dates, but two of them were all-day dates and there was a fourth one-hour coffee. And in between them since we didn't see each other through October as a result of a variety of other commitments, he wrote tidbits to me most days. He had said he was looking first for a friend so I thought there was no harm in carrying on the correspondence. There's another good reason to not date him, of course: He is not divorced. His wife lives on the other side of the country and I really do think the relationship has been over for quite some time, but still�
Anyhow. I've made my decision, based on my intuition. And I think it's basically a good one. I'm tempted but only a little.
I am an island. I don't want to be colonized.
|6:21 p.m. - 2006-11-15
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
Come al solito - 2011-04-16 unfettered spending - 2011-04-15 How does it go? - 2011-04-14 Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13 bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08 |