enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Fuel oneself

Word to the stupid (like me): eat.

I was feeling down all day yesterday, all day today...and then as I got into the shower after dinner tonight I realized that suddenly I felt GREAT. And you know what? I also realized that I had just eaten a good, full meal, for the first time since Saturday morning-- a super-spicy vindaloo on brown rice, and a big green salad.

Doh.

It just wasn't a good day. I had trouble falling asleep last night and so drifted off only in the wee hours; as a result I awoke late this morning. I spent the afternoon looking at teachers' college applications (yes, I'm thinking of becoming a teacher; but more on that later). And then the scientist wrote me another email containing subtle persuasion to reconsider getting it on with him.

Anyhow. So I realize that all I want from life--and I mean this--is a feeling of connection between my skill and my heart. Difficult to achieve, but I've known that it's not going to happen in economics (barring a miracle). I have always been a really good teacher. I've been told about a million times that I should be a teacher. And I didn't want to be a teacher because I felt that I should aim for something beyond that to which my mother aspired.

It's pretty simple.

For now, I'm an economist. And I think I can move forward with that knowing that I have other long-term goals. What I'm hoping, most of all, is that making a decision to free myself will give me the emotional freedom that I need to start drawing and painting again, playing music again, and reaching out to volunteer more fully again. Optimally, too, it will lead me to coach athletics, which I would also do very well.

OK. So that's settled. Now I need to find a good 'ol sugar daddy to prevent this plan from settling me into penury.

Just kidding. Teachers are paid well in Canada. They have strong unions and even more powerful pension plans. I mean, I'll never be rich on such a plan...

I'm even--seriously, seriously, seriously--looking into volunteering in 2007 to go overseas to teach English, mathematics, set up libraries...whatever--optimally to a developing country. (And this isn't going to make me rich, either. :)) Perhaps for a few months, perhaps for a year. All I know is that I'm never going to be happy until my heart is all in. And it's just not where I am.

But, like I said, for now I can go forward in what I'm doing with a kind of peace. And this peace will make it much easier to do my best work. It will distance me from my boss's unrealistic demands and his unconcern for the stress that the current situation implies for me. I'm so sick of bosses and coworkers with no social skills. Gah.

Huh.

It's time for bed. I do wish, however, that I had a little bit of ice cream in the freezer to cap off the evening. Hmmm. It would seem that I've found one small reason why a boyfriend could be a useful complement to my existence (to go out into the cold to buy stuff, of course :)).

It's funny how the wheels turn. I always feel the need to *fight* everything. I have an instinct for something and then I turn and choose the hardest, bumpiest possible road in a completely different direction. Like a hamster on a plastic wheel, however, perhaps I've finally run myself out of steam.

(And I know what you must be thinking. You could not be blamed for this. What will I teach? Why what not to do with one's life, of course. Ringing in my ears: Those who cannot do, teach.)

10:48 p.m. - 2006-11-13

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